Quatre showed me so many of the little letters he wrote, and I just feel the need to write something back to him. I am not a person of great words, but with Quatre, some things change.
I don’t think I can even begin to describe him. Reasonably, I’d either limit myself to “blond, blue-eyed, slander and smaller than me” or I would put on an endless line of “beautiful, handsome, fascinating, wonderful, lovely” and such words on a page. I don’t think words can even touch the beauty of his face and body, and I don’t think even thoughts can describe the beauty in his heart. So I’ll excuse for not writing a decent description of him.
Quatre already wrote everything about the day, I finally managed to tell him that I had sent him roses and we became what we are now: a loving couple. Oh that night! All day I had been struggeling to find out, whether the card with the little poem, really was his! He doesn’t know it, but I wasn’t as sure as I seemed when I got it. I knew his beautiful handwriting, but what he wrote in math were mostly numbers, no actual words. I was absolutely not sure, but during that evening, he gave me these looks, which I might not have noticed, if I had not been suspicious already. There was a gleam in his eyes, I had never seen on him, but I wasn’t sure, whether this was not only the normal, cheerful Quatre. Especially from his talks with Duo I knew he was in love with someone, and I wasn’t sure whether I could really believe I had even the slightest chance. But I could at least hope, and try to be objective in judging his behavior – which was not quite possible.
It cost me a lot to ask him, whether he had done anything about his secret love, as Duo had advised him to. I didn’t know whether it meant ill or bad when he told me he had. It was, as if the little letter in my pocket was burning into my flesh, making me ask myself, whether it really could be his. I needed to know!
“I did something, too,” I said loking over the fountain, not to him, “I sent him roses.”
And yet, I wasn’t sure whether it was a right thing to do, to imply that the roses he had received could be from me. Oh, but Quatre is so sweet! When he dropped his ice-cream and got all flushed and confused, and I caught that certain look in his eyes again, there was no doubt anymore. He has choosen someone as lifeless as me to love, and for once in my life I was granted something – him and his love. And that kiss took away all fear, all doubts, every thought in an instant.
Too bad, though, that I couldn’t stay with him. But it was a Wednesday night, and we both had school tomorrow. I am just glad it was one of the days, I would spend in his school. And as we parted, I was already anticipating it. Quatre put it right in his letter: The next day would be the first real day with the one I loved.
At home, I flinched myself onto the lawn in front of my trailer and looked at the stars. Only faintly they could try and imitate the gleam in Quatre’s eyes, when we had parted after our first kiss – a picture, which will be engraved in my mind forever. Automatically, my hand dug into my suit-pocket and I contemplated the letter. So it really was his… I hadn’t been gambling with my emotions in vain, there was no doubt now. I don’t think I have ever felt such satisfactory joy, but this night I did, thank you Quatre. I was reading it over for the tenth time, when my sister Catherine came up behind me and ruffled my shouders.
“How was your dinner?” she asked nicely.
“Very nice. Very surprising.” I said, my eyes not turning from the poem on the yellow card.
“Is that the letter from this afternoon?” She looked over my shoulder and then tugged on the edge of the letter from behind. “May I?”
I let her take it and she sat down next to me to read it.
“From Quatre,” I said.
She smiled while reading it. “So you told him about the roses?” she asked kindly.
“Of course,” I said, looking back into that black sky, to a million of winking and blinking stars.
“I suppose I don’t need to put any more roses on other people’s doorsteps then, you coward,” she teased me and gave the letter back into my hand.
“No,” I smiled, leaned back and enjoyed the sight.
“Will you bring him over some day?” she asked.
“I’ll give him tickets for tomorrow’s show,” I answered, and she left me to myself. Very kind of her, I don’t think I really wanted company. I fell asleep on the lawn, right there, thinking of him. It was one of the warmer nights, but I anyway woke up early in the morning because of the light and the cold air, undressed and crawled into my bed; always thinking about him.
The next morning I got four tickets from the office and went to school, eager to meet him at our usual meeting point. But of course, this meeting would be different from all the others before. I was early, because I had hurried to see him, and he was not even there yet. Well, I was kind of very early. All morning, I had been rather calm and silently blissful, but when my blond beauty finally came up the street (quite early as well), something pinched me in my stomach really hard. As if I had forgotton how beautiful he really was – something I could actually never forget. He came running joyfully, heading for my arms, and I drowned in love for him. He fell around my neck and we kissed tenderly. It felt so good, and I would have never let him go, but I was too reasonable.
“Quatre,” I said, holding him by his cute hips, “you know we have to keep it down in school.”
He nodded. “Yes, I know. What about Duo, Heero and Wufei, though?”
I nuzzled him. “I don’t think school’s a place to tell them. Leave this to me, okay?” I said quietly and disengaged, not really wanting to. He nodded and we went on together, holding hands. When Heero and Duo were in sight, he withdrew that soft part of his and we walked on like friends, but knowing better.
He was so cute, and just having him walk in front of me, seeing him chat away with Duo, while me and Heero (and later Wufei, too) followed, was enough to keep my spirits high. I would have loved to skip school, just to be with him, but I would have much time for that in future, anyway. I sighed, as we parted to our different homerooms, but quietly enough for nobody to notice. My beautiful koi granted me a last glance from his gorgeous water-colored eyes before he was out of sight. I can’t begin to describe how many of those lovely pictures of such glances from him are in my mind. How he could have chosen me, I still cannot figure out, but there is no doubt about his love, and therefore no need to struggle with that question.
Finally, after a joyful lunch, where I really had a hard time to not just cuddle him or hold his hand under the table, or imply anything about us two, we had a math lesson. I swear, I cannot tell you what we did in that lesson, there was no way I could pay attention. That was not quite good, because math is one of the few subjects, were I am anything but silent. Usually, the teacher can rely on me, that I know any answer, but with Quatre distracting me by his presence and obvious nervousness, there was just no way I could pay attention. I grabbed a little piece of paper, and scribbled on it:
“Hi, Mizu Me. I got you, Duo, Heero and Wufei tickets for the show this afternoon. Would you like to come?” I passed the note over to him.
“Gee, of course!!! ‘Mizu Me’ – is that my nickname?” came the reply, scribbled on the back of the paper hastily.
“Hai. Ever since the day I first met you it is. In the evening I used to watch the stars and I knew, that was your real name.” I smirked as I gave it back to him.
“I should reward you, then, and tell you your nickname…” He blushed as he handed it back.
“Your blushing is very sweet, Quatre-chan. I have a nickname, too? Tell me, koi!!!”
“Um.. I used to call you ‘kurohyou’ in my thoughts. And stop making me blush…”
“Panther? How nice, arigatou. I don’t really deserve it, anyway. Will I see you after the show tonight, then?”
He pouted after he had read the last note. “Sorry, I have to get back and practise some new things! But we’ll have the whole evening!” I whispered. Duo ears perked up – he was already annoyed that Quatre refused to pass the notes on to him. He didn’t understand me, though.
“Hai,” was his written answer. “And you absolutely deserve that nickname, my graceful panther. I really missed you, ever since we said goodnight.”
After the lesson we told a very annoyed Duo, that I just had invited all of them to the circus, and he returned to that cheerful rascal he usually is.
“I’ll pass,” Heero said tonelessly. I nodded understandingly – such spontaneous plans did not fit into the schedule of the scientists with whom he lived. I know, Heero has a lot to suffer on because of them, and I cannot tell how he feels about it, but I see the effects on him. It’s just fortunate that someone as lively and rambling as Duo had become his best friend, and I assume the braided energy-ball knew more about Heero’s situation than I did. He was probably the only one who could change anything, should Heero ask for changes. I didn’t feel like I was supposed to interfere with that, and right now, I had other things on my mind… like a certain blond Arabian.
“They won’t let you, righ?” I asked Heero. “We’ll find a day when you can come, too, another time, Heero,” I assured him as I gave Duo, Quatre and Wufei their tickets. “Just tell me whenever you’d like to come.” I was about to pocket his ticket again, but thought better of it. “Here, take it in case things change.”
Heero nodded and he left with Duo and Wufei. I don’t think, Heero blamed me for inviting the others, although he himself couldn’t come. It wasn’t nice, but I so wanted Quatre to come. Duo seemed to talk Heero into at least trying to ask the strange scientists, whether he could go. Finally, I was alone with my koi again, but had to say goodbye.
“The show is in an hour, Mizu Me. I’ll meet you at the side-entry after the show. Sorry, I really need to hurry!”
He sighed sadly. “That will be forever till then,” he moaned and kissed me passionately for a whole long while. He felt so good, and I was so disappointed as the kiss ended. However, my Quatre-chan beamed at me with the most cheerful look, wiping my diappointment away in the brink of a moment. We parted.
“Let’s hurry, then, so the time passes quickly!” He called as he ran towards his own house. So much sweetness for me, and I just couldn’t get enough of it!
At home, I got ready for the show, dressing and painting my face a little, so it did not look pale in the spot-light – although I would be wearing a mask on one half of my face. They had given me mask because I cannot smile fakely. Except for or because of Quatre I cannot even bring myself to smile normally. So the mask has the smiling face of a clown printed on there in bright colors. It was ridiculous to make someone as lifeless as me a clown, but somehow it worked for the show.
I was just glad, that the circus had settled and was not wandering around anymore – or else I wouldn’t have a chance to stay close to Quatre, but move away from him all the time. I don’t think I would have liked that very much – not when I for once had found happiness in my life. The circus was big and famous enough to not have to move anymore, and we just got around with the money. We were in between the village where our school was and the colony’s capital. This way many visitors came from the city to see the show.
Half an hour before the show started, I stood in front of Serafimo’s trailer and knocked on the door. He opened after a while and was quite surprised to see me there.
“Trowa? You’re ready already?”
“Yes, because I wanted to ask you a favor, onegai,” I explained. Serafimo was the magician in the second part of the show and therefore didn’t have to get ready himself, yet.
“Come in. What is it?” he asked kindly.
“Can you please teach me a trick for tonight?”
He was quite surprised. He sat down in his trailer and offered me a glas of lemonade, which was obviously an invitation for me, to explain myself. I hadn’t thought I would come around and explanation – magicians don’t give their secrets away so easily -, and was ready to tell.
“I don’t care what trick. My boyfriend is coming over tonight and I want to surprise him somehow. I hoped you would have an idea.”
Serafimo grinned slightly as he heard me talking about a boyfriend. “No girls, Trowa?”
“No. Only him,” I answered. Maybe I should mention, that homosexuality is no big deal in a group of artists, and being one of them, I did not think I needed to hide it. Serafimo smiled, still, but thoughtfully.
“You know, I do have an easy trick in mind, which should be very helpful. You’ll get it down until you make your appearance, and your lover will definitely be positively surprised. He got up to get some tools and taught me the trick, and I happened to practise it a few times in front of his eyes, learning some secrets only a magician knows – but really only a few. He didn’t know I used to sneak around his tools and find out, how the big tricks work. Anyway, my respect for his illusions was still very high, and the trick he had chosen to teach me was of my taste.
Finally, it was time for the show! I stood next to Cathy on the curtain, scanning the audience. There was no need to search for long – Duo entered the tent with his typical, loud and ruthless laughter, dragging Heero in behind him. I was very glad the little Japanese had managed to coax his scientists into letting him go – and so was Duo, as it seemed. Wufei and my koi followed him. From the distance, I couldn’t really see them in much detail, but I just knew that he looked great and was smiling. They settled in the first row on the right, the places I had assigned for them. Cathy tugged on my shirt.
“Is he here?” she asked.
“Yes,” I answered. “Up front, on the right, the little blond one.”
“What is it?” Arasento, an artist, asked, holding up his partner and wife’s stretched leg as she warmed up.
“Trowa’s boyfriend is here,” Cathy explained, watching Quatre.
“Oh, really? I hope I can meet him sometime,” he said. His wife changed legs. I nodded, left the curtain and made room for the ones who had to be on in a moment. Too bad I couldn’t see Quatre anymore until I was up myself. So I went into stretching myself and pocketing my multi-colored juggling-balls, while the show began. Catherine meanwhile went through her own routine, and then we sat around and waited.
During the middle of Arasento’s act, I went to the back of the tent, and crawled up the ledder to the rope close to the ceiling. From above, as usually, I watched them finish, before taking my half-mask on and walking to the middle of the rope, three balls in each hand. The audience applauded for the act and I started juggling in the darkness up there, until the spots went on and revealed my existence up there. The audience clapped, possibly more for my costume, than for my juggling. I wore baggy green pants with yellow stars and wide pockets, a blue and white-shirt, a collar and my mask. I juggled a while, walking on the rope some, and then held the pockets open. One, two, three, four, five, six, the balls plopped into my pockets, one after the other: left, right, left, right, left, right. Once they were gone, I jumped down into the darkness grabbing hold of a ladder. That was probably the most dangerous part in my otherwise boring act – not being able to see the ladder, but trusting it was there and grasping it. Someone beneath me gasped. Quatre? - Who knew?
I safely landed in the middle of the arena, as Swift, the white horse, came running through the curtain and I accessed his back on the run. While the music played, I securely laid my hand on the broad back of the animal and pulled myself up, so I was standing on my hands. It was just the usual routine, but I had a fluttering heart, because he was watching. I counted to ten, holding myself gracefully, before I could here another horse – Wind – enter the place, and I wasn’t alone anymore. Cathy greeted the audience with that cheerful smile of hers, and passed Swift and me. As she did so, I flipped around and grabbed the feather on her costume, stealing it and holding it up triumphantly, as I stood on the white horse. As we passed each other again, she motioned as if she was about to knock me down from the horse for stealing her feather, and I back-flipped to the middle of the place. She came down, demanding the feather from me in a dramatic gesture. Swift and Wind left the place, leaving us alone.
Catherine took a knife from her pocket and threatened me with it. I held the feather up in front of me, for it was the only thing to defend myself with. With a hiss, one of her knives passed my ear and slammed into the wood a few meters behind me. As usually, I stumbled back until I felt the wood on my back. She threw more knives, but I innocently took them and started juggling with them. I earned a few “awws” for that as she tossed me four more knives and I added them to the ones I was juggling already, before she grabbed them out of the air, one after another and pushed me back against the wood. Catherine wore a superior smile as she strapped me to the wheel. I remained still, not being afraid. Cathy knew her business, and I had never been harmed. So there I was, tied up and she retreated backwards, taking more knives from her pocket. A few thuds and hisses and I was surrounded by shining blades, unharmed. She repeated the procedure – blindfolded – and it worked all well.
An assistant brought the knives back to her, and spun the wheel. It was the part of the show, I absolutely didn’t like. All that spinning, as if I only was the clown of the show, which I probably was. The familiar hisses and thuds returned and just as before I felt the blades next to my face and limbs. The wheel was stopped, and Cathy and I went up front to bow. From the corner of my eye I could see Quatre clap cheerfully. But the act wasn’t over. Swift and Wind came up from behind, each carying a feather. I took them away and held them out to Cathy – as if I was trying to excuse myself for my stealing earlier. Usually, we two would ride away now, but I had changed plans tonight…
Cathy was about to gracefully give me her hand, showing she had forgiven me, when I held up a gloved hand in defense, to make her stop in the middle of it. The confused look in her eyes was remarkable, but she couldn’t do much about it. I signed her to go to Wind in the back of the area and took out a tissue from my pocket. Just as Serafimo had taught me, I rolled it and formed a white rose out of it. Fortunately the techincians had caught up with me, and there was a spot on me – there even was music. I finished the rose and held it in my hands gracefully, showing the paper-art to the audience. Then, I held up a lighter and lightened it. Within a brink of a second, the rose had burned down to ashes and smoke, but instead of the gray remains I held a real rose in my hand. The trick showed effect on the audience. I sniffed it. Catherine came back over and pantomimed how beautiful she thought it was, and how thankful she was for it. I went down on my knees and she held her hands open for the rose, thinking, that was our new end of the show – me excusing with a rose. But instead of giving it to her, I just smirked lightly, withdrew it, and tossed it over right into Quatre’s hands. Then, I quickly jumped onto Swift and rode out of the arena, winking and smirking, waving goodbye to the laughing audience. Catherine furiously swung onto Wind and followed me out of the place.
Outside she came to a halt next to me.
“Very funny! You want to make me look like a fool?”
“I’m supposed to be a clown,” I answered. The director came up behind us, as we jumped down from the horses. Oh dear, now I’d be lectured about changing the show out of my own account and without asking.
“Trowa, now we all know who your lover is, but couldn’t you just have told us?” he asked, but he was smiling, signing me, that he wouldn’t be angry with me. “Since when do you know tricks?” he asked.
“Serafimo taught me when I asked him to,” I answered truthfully. “Don’t worry, it was just this one time… I wanted to surprise Quatre.” Suddenly it occurred to me, that this was kind of selfish of me. I couldn’t expect others to think as highly of Quatre as I did. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this.
“Oh, I will think about keeping that in the show. It has more of a clown than your role has so far, and you seem rather skilled with that tissue.”
Catherine huffed. She didn’t like that ending very much, but the director promised to find a way to make her look less foolish in the end. I brought Swift and Wind back to their little shelter and helped Catherine to change the horse’s costumes for their next act.
Unfortunately I couldn’t see Quatre in the intermission, but was supposed to stay backstage, help Serafimo some and have no contact with the audience before the end of the show. But it gave some people time to talk to me.
“Trowa’s little rose act made me really sweat up there! Can you tell me before next time, so I know which music to play?”
James, the electrician joined us: “I don’t think anybody knew about this except Trowa and Serafimo. I had quite a struggle with the light – I should have put on the red instead of the white spot.”
“Sorry!” I said, standing behind them, “I’ll tell you before, should I do it again.”
“No probs, improvising works, too. But I am more interested in that blond friend of yours – did that rose land there on purpose?” the conductor smiled.
“Man, Sam, where are you living?” Angie said, coming up behind the two men and grabbing their shoulder. “That blond bishounen is Trowa’s boyfriend.” She lead them away, chatting, leaving me to myself, but not without giving me a meaningful smile.
“Is that true what I hear about you?” – this time it was Fred, who was just getting his lions ready. I came over and patted one of them.
“Hn. Depends on what you heard,” I replied.
“That cute blond prince there is your boyfriend? Man, you’re lucky. I heard he was the Winner’s son. How did you come around with someone like him? Does he have any older brothers?!”
“No chance, gomen, Fred. He only has 29 sisters. He is in my school, and was a good friend until yesterday,” I answered. He raised a meaningful eyebrow and patted my shoulder nicely, but in his usual, rough way. “You are so damn lucky, Trowa.”
Finally, at the end of the show, the whole group came out. I was standing with one leg on Swift, one on Wind and held Catherine on my shoulder. For the bowing I had to put her down though. In my right ear I could here Duo’s familiar voice:
“Go! Trowa, go!!! Go, doukeshi!”
I ignored his usually so unignorable voice, picked Catherine up on my hand and held her high above my head, carrying her ourside. She was even lighter than Quatre, but having never really carried him, I couldn’t know that by then. It was no trouble carrying her and I could keep a graceful appearance until we were safe behind the curtain and I set her down.
Nobody could keep me now! Within seconds I was at the side entry and waited for my koi to come out. I took off the mask and wiped my forehead with a tissue. It took forever for them to come out, at least it seemed so. The finally I could see that platinum-blond hair in the middle of the crowed, boxing his way over to me somehow.
“Trowa, I almost died seeing you up there! You should have told me!” he yelped, and I welcomed him in my arms, kissing him mercilessly on his cute mouth. He was quite startled, so it seemed. “Sorry, I wanted to surprise you.”
Duo tipped me on my shoulder. “Wait a second! Why are you kissing him?” he inquired.
“Because he loves me!” Quatre beamed, kissing me again straight away.
“How come I don’t know this?” Duo asked rather outraged.
“Because nobody told you?” Wufei figured reasonably. I rubbed my Mizu Me’s back and disengaged from him.
“I didn’t think school was the right place to tell you,” I apologized. Heero just looked stunned, and I couldn’t tell whether he just was because of the fact that Quatre and I were in love, or whether he absolutely did not get the meaning of what we were talking about. Concerning love matters, concerning emotions in general, it seemed as if his scientists or whoever these people are, had kept something from him. However, it wasn’t mine to ask him about that.
A little girl came up to me and tugged on my pants.
“Doukeshi?” she asked. I crouched down to her and rubbed her head.
“Last time I was here, you didn’t smile,” she said cutely. It hurt some - it was true. Before Quatre had come here, I hadn’t even smiled once in the show. And children are really attentive to such things. Her mother had taken out a camera, and so I cuddled her a little closer, so her mother could make a picture secretly.
“Yes, I didn’t. Sometimes even a clown knows what sadness is. Maybe I was sad that day.”
“And now you are not?” she asked on. The camera clicked once.
“No, now I have Quatre here,” I pointed at him, “and he makes me really happy.” The girl turned to Quatre, who was quite surprised by my words.
“You are a clown, too?” he asked.
“No,” I answered before he could. “Quatre is an angel.” Her eyes grew big. I winked at her mother and she smiled back and took her daughter away. Quatre looked quite happy and quite embarassed, too. Duo laughed merrily.
“Come, Wufei, Heero!” he said, “We’d better leave those two to themselves.” Quatre stuck his tongue out at Duo and slung his arms around me. Duo made an over-dramatical expression. “See you in school, you amorous, loving clown and you wonderful, young, cherubic angel. What a dramatic occurrence! A clown and an angel! I love fairy tales! SNIFF!!!” He winked and dragged the other two away. Duo sort of is the biggest clown and jester himself – he should have my place. It’s just fun having him around, except when it was my first day alone with my koi. Quatre meanwhile was unpacking my pockets without asking.
“Um.. hey?” I asked. He took the balls and placed them in my hands.
“Do that again!” he demanded. I took the balls and juggled a little, showing him that it wasn’t difficult and promising I would teach him how to do it. I had learned other things with the balls, which I wasn’t supposed to do on stage, but I showed them to Quatre. Things like letting a ball fall into my neck and keep on juggling nevertheless until I let it roll and fall into my hand to integrate it again. A few people had gathered around me by then and we gained the director’s attention.
“Trowa! Don’t be such a show-off!” he jested.
“Attention, Quatre!” I said and tossed him one of the balls. He caught it. I kept my eyes on the balls I was still juggling.
“When I say ‘now’, throw it back to me,” I instructed. “Now.”
I could see the blue ball flying from the corner of my eyes, caught it, struggled a second but managed to bring it back into the flow. Then I opened my pockets, let them drop inside and bowed to the little audience. They clapped and I took Quatre and his rose to the back of the tent. I usually don’t do such things like performing for some people outside of the tent. Quatre has a strange impact on me.
The rest of the day was just a bliss. First, I introduced Quatre to the circus people and they all welcomed him with warmth and joy. Then, I introduced him to the lions and coaxed him into patting one. It took my quite a while to assure him, the lion wouldn’t bite his hand off, but in the end he really enjoyed it. I knew he would because he really loves animals. Finally, we went to my trailer and I changed back into civil wear. Modestly, I changed in the little bathroom, while he waited at the table.
We had a long talk on that table, cuddling and kissing a while. I was a little exhausted from the show and he was kind enough to let me rest a little.
“Kurohyou,” he asked after a moment of silence. “How did you make the paper rose change into a real one.”
“You saw it, I just burned it,” I smiled back.
“No, I mean what is the trick behind it?”
I kissed his cheek apologetically, “Don’t you know a magician never tells his secrets?”
At that moment, Catherine came bursting into my room ruthlessly and made a picture of us with her camera before we even understood what was happening.
“Ha! I was the first one to make a picture!!!” she cheered. She couldn’t have done me a greater favor and she probably knew this. I winked at her and pulled Quatre close for a kiss, before he could even protest. The camera flashed again and the door closed silently a few seconds later. Somehow, I had forgotten to break that kiss and thank Catherine.
Later that day, after having eaten with the circus people, Quatre said there was a nice movie in the movie theatre and said he’d invite me to come with him. Somehow, I would rather have stayed home with him all evening, contemplating stars and laying on the lawn with him, but I did not want to disappoint him on our first night. So we went there, and I was really glad I did. It’s not only quite funny to eat popcorn with Quatre, it’s also nice to sit next to him in the darkness and hold hands all the time, just feeling that wherever I go, he would always be near now. It was just great to feel how I became able to smile in his presence and how the ice, which used to freeze my heart, melted without him even knowing it..
I was also very happy, that we will have to go and see that movie again, because .. well, we weren’t really very attentive, especially towards the end… I did not think, that we would pay attention next time, though. Don’t tell me it is my fault – his mouth just tastes so good.
I love you, too, my Quatre.