Porzellan Namida



            Quatre told me about his letters.  I guess our story needs telling too.  I don't who will read this, but someone other than Duo and myself should hear this.  Or not, I don't know.  Ever since I met Duo, I haven't been sure of anything.  This doesn't scare me though; there is something freeing about being able live life content that every hour is the best.

            It was an ordinary day when all this started.  As usual per our routine, we made love in the morning, and (being the kick-ass soldiers we are) were ready for school, and even waiting at the meeting point to walk with the others to said school. 

            Quatre and Trowa walked up first, holding hands and chatting quietly about something.  They ended their conversation when they reached us.  Neither myself or Duo were offended by this; somethings were only for the ears of koibitos.  Trowa stepped back and waited paitiently with me as our more talkative kois excitedly chatted.  A few minutes later, Wufei arrived, and we walked to school.   The only talking done was between Quatre, my koi, and Wufei.  Trowa and myself are usually silent.  At least, with everyone around.  Alone, me and Duo have talked for hours. 

            Don't get the impression that I do not like our freinds.  No, I care very much for them, although I refuse to show it.  I have been raised, no trained, to not show emotion.  Trained since birth to be nothing but perfect.  I was taught to not have any emotions, and many things were left out of my "education" as a child that results in my supposed "innocence", as Duo puts it.  Though hard, myself and Duo manage to work out seeing each other around the scientists who own me. 

            We walk along, reaching the school gates.  Wufei walks on, waving to us.  His homeroom is on the other side of the school than most of us.  Duo and I share a goodbye kiss, full of it's usual promises.  I nod goodbye to Trowa and Quatre after they make their own farewell kiss.  Then me and my koi part, each heading in different ways.  Quatre jogs after Duo and Trowa heads off to another section of the school.  This is the only time of the day we are seperated, for we have practicaly all the same classes.     


            The problems have always been there.  Duo is very beautiful, and naturally flirtatous.  He seduces as easily as he breathes, and attracts even easier.  There is hardly a person in our school who doesn't have even the slightest interest in Duo in such a way.  

            Obviously, being Duo's lover is quite stressful.

            I myself am not confident on my own ability to seduce Duo, or keep him from looking to others for affection.  And while I do not doubt the bond of our love, I do doubt myself.  How long can I hope to keep Duo's interest?  How long will it be before someone truly radiant steals his attractions from me?  I am not ugly, but I am also not handsome.  I honestly do not know why Duo loves me, but he does, so I don't question.  But I do question my ability to keep him mine...

            I was getting frustrated.  The prettiest girl in school was starting to make passes at Duo.  Even I could see them, which means she was overtly obvious about it.  I am new to these things, and can't readily identify them.  It was, however, extremely easy to see this. 

            The girl, Rita, was almost as pretty and beautiful as Duo.  Her group of freinds also seemed after Duo, and they were also pretty. 

            It only got to me after they stole him from me.

            We were in study hall, writing each other notes, when Rita joined in.  Duo didn't pass her notes to me, which meant they were for him alone.  Afterwards, he told me she begged him to help her study for English, using the excuse that Duo is American and is fluent. 

            They studied afterschool everyday at her house, and the lessons gradually got longer and longer.

            Then it started.  My Duo would call and tell me he was too tired to make it with me, that he's sorry, and will make it up to me later.  I am understanding, of course, but it still hurt.  I pretended to be unaffected, as this happened sporadically.

            I could no longer remain unchanged once it was every single night.

            Apperantly Duo noticed I seemed a bit saddened by this.  He reserved his nights for me alone after that, and I was happy.


            Sometimes even my paitence and tolerance reaches it's peak.

            "Sorry Hee-chan, I can't!  Rita has a test tomorrow and really needs me."

            "But I need you."

            "Oh, be reasonable Heero, I can go with you to the fair some other time."

            "Why can't you go now?  You've been turning me off all semester, since she started this!"

            "Heero, GEESH!  I'm just helping her, a favor, chill.  You'll live."

            "I want you to come with me now!!"

            "I can't do everything you want when you want it!  Don't be so damn selfish, Yuy!"

            "What is it with you and her?  Do you love her now?"

            "WHHHAAAAT??  Are you bonkers?!"

            "You aren't answering my question!!!  You spend more and more time with her, and spurn me off to be with her!  You don't even stay with me anymore, always gone once we finish!  I'm sick of this, tell her to leave you alone or I will!"

            "Don't be jealous, baka!  Nothing is going on!"

            "Is it?" I growled.

            "I don't have time for this, Rita will be here any minute."


            "GoodBYE Heero, see you tonight." *CLICK*

            He had hung the phone up on me. 

            My heart shriveled up.  It was the first time we had ever fought...  Was I really jealous of her?  Was I truely unsure of my loving koi?  I wasn't so sure...  Duo was never one for self-control, even if he meant well.

            I laid back on my bed and cried.  I was lost without Duo behind me, loving me, and happy with me.  I didn't like to admit it, but we both knew I was utterly dependant on Duo.  Without him... I don't know what would happen...


            That night and nights later, he still came to me at night, both of us following our hearts' and bodies' need for each other.  But things were different...  we hardly spoke, our usual caring, gentle and loving time was instead rough. 



            Tension between us grew as he spent weekends with her and her friends.  Quatre caught me crying in the bathroom at school once and tried to press it out of me.  All three of our friends had noticed something going on between myself and Duo.  I told him it was our problem.  He understood and didn't ask anymore.

            We started fighting over many things, all the time it turning back to my suspicions and his denials.  It was a never-ending cycle.  I hurt inside almost as bad as I had before Duo healed me.  We almost stopped talking to each other, our only peaceful conversation as we joined at night.  Even then things were harsher, our voice raising around the other's. 


            One night, one night finally came to show us how foolish we acted.

            Duo had just come over from Rita's, and we argued.  He caught me off gaurd.

            The anger directed at me was amazing, now that I think about it.  Duo shoved me hard onto the bed.  He yanked his own shirt off, then his pants.  He hopped onto me, holding my wrists down.  It was an action he took often these nights, showing his dominance in our relationship, seeking to humiliate me.  I returned by kicking him off of me and next to me.  I pulled my own clothes off and tackled him.  We wrestled for a bit before he got the upper-hand and knocked my feet out from under me.  I landed heavily on the bed.

            Duo yanked me close to him, pulled my legs apart, and pulled my knees to his hips.  I was too busy catching my breath to complain, and both of us were highly aroused by the other already.  My eyes shot open as Duo shoved hard into me, surprising me.  Pain ripped in me and I gasped, trying to get away.  He was heedless of my attempts and just moved in and out of me, his hips shoving hard against mine.

            Physical pain I had never experinced stung me.  I was vaguely aware of the whimpers coming from me as his harsh pace tore me.

            "Yamete!! YAMETE!!!"

            Duo didn't hear my yells, just continued pounding me.  Hurt streaked through me, my blood running cold.  Duo stopped after what seemed about an eternity later, but was probably only a few minutes.

            "H-heero!!" he choked.  I felt painfully him pulling out of me and easing his grip on my thighs.

            I realized I was shuddering then.  Duo held a towel to me.  When he pulled it away to turn it some, I saw the blood on it.  I noticed that there was a warm stream coming from me, and knew it was the very blood on the towel.  It still stung horribly, and I gulped several times. 

            He discarded the towel a few minutes later.  Duo laid next to me and softly pulled himself up to me, hugging me.  I shuddered in his arms, feeling a bit scared he would do that again.  "Oh Heero, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me-!"  I didn't even know I was crying until he wiped my pain-tears away.  "Damn Hee-chan, I am so sorry...".

            He stayed all night and morning.  I stayed home from school that day and he stayed with me.  We talked things over, and once my insecurity was reassured, things became easier.  Duo referred Rita to another student (avoiding her protests). 



            It was many weeks before we could make love without it hurting (for me at least).  When we did, it was as it used to be before this whole episode - loving and caring.  Duo had confessed to me that he enjoyed her attentions, but would never want her other than a friend.  He had also admitted that Rita was so interested in him because she knew he was gay, and she was doubting her own sexuality.  That made me feel very guilty, but Duo laughed it off.  He confessed he would be jealous if I had been doing the same thing.

            We overcame this and will overcome all.  It seems stupid and petty to fight like that now that I reflect on it, but it served to help us understand each other better.  I find it amusing but sweet as Duo dotes on me when we make love- afraid of making the same mistake.  I trust him but let him dote as he pleases.

            The guys never found out really, but that doesn't matter.  There are some matters only for koibitos.


~ Heero Yuy