Protection
Um...
Guess you found another file on my computer guys? It is me, Quatre, again.
Well, if you’re ready to learn something new from my experiences, read right
ahead. I believe we all learn through experience, right? I am nothing but a
mortal young boy, a little rich maybe, and just like you I make mistakes and
learn through them. You never know when it’s a mistakes and the consequnces can
be quite unpleasant…
Okay, I am writing nonsense again,
avoiding the point I am going to make. First of all, let me make one thing
clear: Trowa is still the only one of all, my pride, my second half, if you
will, but even I change under pressure, under society, under the influence of
other people. I am not as strong as he is, and maybe not as clever or
attentive. Uh… yeah the story.
No, I can’t begin yet, there’s still one thing:
School is a good place. No matter how bad it may seem in this story, I like
going there, I like learning new things, I like to earn knowledge from people
who know more than I do in some subjects, and less in others. I am interested
in all these things, and I gladly work to take the opportunity I am given at
school.
Okay, I am going to tell my story
now. Where shall I begin? I think it all started in our last three weeks at
school. Duo, Wufei, Heero, Trowa and me were stuck in work, we were heading for
our finals. Briefly, it was the stressiest time of my life. The guys and I were
often meeting at home, studying. And I tell you it is not easy to study with Duo, Heero and Wufei. Duo has no interest in
studying whatsoever and successfully keeps distracting us. Heero knows
everything already, anyway, he has an astonishing memory. He just solves his
problems quietly and moves on (on his own), while we still struggle. He is
always ahead of us. Wufei does study some, but he has no condition to keep to
one thing for long, and eventually goes talking about Meiran, his beloved wife,
or doodles on his papers. To sum it all up: all our nerves get stressed
whenever we meet, but we need each other to keep going and for explanations.
Oh, as for Trowa, since he is in a higher grade, he just stretches on the sofa
with his books and quietly studies for himself, while we sit on the floor
around a table and debate. As the “older” he keeps an eye on us, telling us to return
to work or stop debatimg, when we get distracted or too loud. Only for calculus
and computer science he, of course, shares the table with us. Our only luck is,
that after all, each of us is quite smart – even Duo – compared to the other
students. So far, we never failed a test with this method, so we keep to it.
Still, it is tearing on our nerves,
wihout us even noticing it. By the second week (we had passed three tests so
far), we were more fighting than debating – only Trowa kept a partly cool head -
but he, also was on the edge. When the others had left and we had put all our
books aside, he would usually come up from behind, wrap me in his arms, and
pull me back to lean against him. It was the only form of relaxation we had,
before he went home and I tiredly crawled into bed. Except for the weekends, we
didn’t have much time for each other, in the way koibitos should. It only added
up to our frustration.
Things reached their top when the
calculus teacher assigned us for extremely difficult problems to solve in
groups of three. Wufei, Duo and Heero immediately stuck their heads togeher –
with our agreement – leaving me and Trowa to choose a partner from those who
were still free. I immediately turned back to the row behind us.
“Hey, Odjo, care to take that
project with us?”
“Sure, eh… no problem, eh…”
Trowa threw me a look of which I
could not detect the meaning.
“Good, okay, we’ll meet at … mh… my mention
tomorrow at six then?” I asked them both. Odjo nodded and Trowa kept that look
on me. “Guess so,” he said, somewhat grumpy. I wondered whether I had said
something wrong, but I had no time to ask. The teacher ordered us to calm down
and handed out different problems to each group. Duo, Wufei and Heero got a
mediocre one, Trowa, me and Odjo were staring at something undefinable at the
first sight. We gulped – this would be some tough work, and while we still had
to study for the upcoming tests. Trowa sighed some, in his usual quiet manner,
so people who didn’t know him didn’t really grab that. I planned three evenings
for that problem. One to understand the problem and collect ideas about the
solution, one to find the best solution and one to actually solve it. When were
we supposed to do all this, when the teacher only granted us no more than ten
days? Well, there was no debating, we had to present something after that time.
After calculus we headed towards
different classes. I waved a nice goodbye to Trowa but he either didn’t see it,
or he didn’t return it. How disappointing, but well, we were just in school. We
met after school walking down towards our homes. I assumed, Trowa would, as
always come with me. Wufei, Heero and Duo were discussing where they would
meet… well, Duo was.
“We should do that quickly. I have
to study for lit and writing this week and next week we need to work on
history, cuz except for Heero and Quatre we all suck at it. Not to mention
economics – we need your help with that Quatre. What about we meet at my house
about five or five thirty tomorrow?”
“No way we gonna do anything in that
dirty hole of yours!!!” Wufei protested.
“Well, if we go to you and Meiran,
you’ll be totally distracted!” Duo snapped back.
Wufei blushed at this spoken truth and stuck
his tongue out.
“And I’ll clean up!!!” Duo added fiercefully.
“Ha! That’s the joke of the century,
MAXWELL!”
“No it is not, CHANG, it is the
bitter truth. If you don’t believe me, solve the problem on your own and let
Meiran help you!!!”
”She
is much smarter than you, KISAMA!!!”
“Yeah, and three times as smart as
you are!”
“KEEP IT DOWN YOU TWO!” Trowa yelled
all of a sudden. Trowa never yells. I
almost fell of the path and right into the bushes. The others were equally
astonished and staring at Trowa, jaws dropping. Trowa just kept on walking as
if everything was perfectly normal. Heero was the first to find his voice
again.
“He’s right. We meet at my house.”
That silenced the conversation for the rest of the way. Wufei left our walking
group first, sending a bitter glare at Duo. At a streetcorner, Heero and Duo parted
from us, going home in another direction, amazingly, Trowa followed them
towards his own home.
“Trowa-chan?” I inquired softly. He
should at least have told me, that he had some work to attend to. I started to
seriously wonder what was wrong.
“Gotta do my stuff alone,” he said
grumpily and walked away in silence. I watched after him and he didn’t turn
around once. Now I knew something was not alright. I sighed and made my way
home. Had I done something wrong? Had I said something to insult him? Had I
been too restrained lately, was there something frustrating him? Was I possibly
getting on his nerves? Why should I, though? And wouldn’t he tell me if I did?
I cleared my head. We all had work to attend to, maybe he had a lot of
homework, he had difficulties doing in my presence. I knew that problem from
myself perfectly well.
The afternoon went by slowly. I sat
on my desk, trying to get the different countries in Europe, their capitals,
their size, most important influences on world history, and so on into my head…
I couldn’t quite concentrate and watched the clock tick away. Four thirty, and
Trowa had not even called yet. Sighing, I returned to my books and added data
to my list. At about five, I couldn’t stand the silence of my room any longer.
I went down to the hall and dialed his number.
“Trowa Barton,” his voice came
shortly after the first ringing.
“It’s me, korohyou,” I said
cheerfully.
“Oh,” he just said.
“Mh… won’t you come over today?”
There was no reply, “I can come over if you want to…” I offered.
“No,” he answered in a monotone
voice. “Need to study.”
“Really?” I said, full of regret.
“O-okay. I miss you, Trowa. Is everything okay with you?”
“Hn. See you tomorrow.”
Okay, that was it! He was hiding
something from me, he was avoiding my question.
“Koi… I really hope everything is
fine.”
“Okay. Can I get back to work now?”
he snorted.
“Trowa...?”
“Bye.”
“Bye…”
The conversation had made me
entirely sad. What was wrong with him? He had sounded so sad and it was as if
he didn’t want to have to deal with me right now. I hung up sadly – couldn’t he
hear I was worried? This was so not like him, this was confusingly strange. But
what could I do but wait. I considered phoning any of the other guys and try to
find out what was wrong, but I did not in the end. Maybe it would all be better
tomorrow. He might just have to sort something out with himself and I shouldn’t
interfere. I didn’t need to hang at his side the entire time. I went to bed
early, reading some more economics before I was to tired to comprehend anything
of the written words.
I even woke up quite happily and was
early waiting for Trowa on the street, where we usually met to walk to school.
He came there, quite early, too, but he looked much less relaxed than I did. I
smiled at him, trying my best to make things easier for him, whatever it was
that was distracting him. I didn’t need to know everything.
“Morning, koi!” I cheered, waiting
for a morning kiss. He didn’t allow me that, though, he just said “morning”
shortly and lead the way forwards. It was disturbing, but I stayed cheerful.
We walked in silence, which is
nothing unusual when one’s with Trowa, but his face was much less at ease than
usual.
“Trowa – daijobo?” I tried again.
“Hn.”
“Really, if there’s anything…?”
“Stop it, Quatre. I don’t want your
help right now.” Now, that hurt. Why
did he do that to me? He acted so nasty, I did not know that of him.
“Have I done something to you?” I
said, a little pain reflecting in my voice as I looked up to him. He did not look
back. I couldn’t understand him at all, why was he doing this? I had no right
to know everything, although I thought he would trust me in everything, but he
had no right to hurt me for no appearant reason. He did not reply to my
question.
“Stop hurting me like that!” I said
harshly, not seeing any fairness in this.
“Same to you.”
“Nani???”
At that moment, Duo and Heero joined
us, roughly disturbing our conversation. Duo with his normal cheerfulness drew
all attention to himself, perfectly hiding Trowa’s and my problem from himself,
Heero and Wufei, who joined us a minute later.
You can believe my day in school was
crappy, since I had no chance to find out what was wrong with Trowa. And it was
an incredible long day, since we had school till late in the afternoon and in
addition Trowa had off an hour before me. So when we next met, Odjo was already
with me and we were spreading our books on the table. When I opened the door I
tried for the last time to gain his sympathy with a happy “Trowa-chan” and by
leaning towards him to steal a little kiss. He took my kiss but returned as
much as nothing, not even a smile. It was so saddening and disturbing. What
could I do, though? He forced his way inside to Odjo and the table.
“We can begin then,” I said unnecessarily
and pretending to be alright. I sat across from Odjo and the greatest torture
of my life began. The calculus problem was the tiniest problem we had, but
pretending to be alright in front of Odjo and being actually hurt deep inside
was another thing. It worked quite well at the start, but then Trowa started to
critisize me more and more. Our conversations always took the same direction:
“I think, we should take the ankle
from here to find the size of this side. There should be a way described in our
book,” I pondered out to the others.
“Nonsense,” Trowa said, “it serves
us nothing, what we need is the other side to come closer to the conclusion.
It’s easy, it’s just the same way we did four lessons ago.”
“Hm,” Odjo would interfere, “but
Quatre’s way would be easier.”
“…and unnecessary!” Trowa said
again.
“Well, then try it your way. You’ll
see we’ll miss important information!” I snapped.
“Not if we stick to the plan. Don’t
be so ignorant, Quatre.”
“I’m not ignorant, I’m reasonable.”
“Trowa, actually… you are right, but
we’d have to take a few other steps before that, or we won’t get very far.
Basically, it could be the solution though,” Odjo finally concluded, totally
sticking to the minor problem at hand, having no idea about what really was
going on. Trowa groaned.
“I don’t get it!” I admitted. Those
two outsmarted me in calculus, anyway.
Odjo came over, moved his finger
through my book and carefully explained to me what Trowa meant to do. I finally picked it up, and nodded.
“We’ll do that, then. I finally got
what is really needed here, thanks, Odjo,”
I replied, sending a biting look to Trowa. Yes, I was angry by now, for I
didn’t know what the hell he was being so mad at me for. Trowa snorted back
lightly, Odjo did not pick it up.
“No problem, eh? We’ll fix that in
no time,” he said, still leaning over me and looking at me from the side. I
smiled at him, nodding.
“I’s too late now, though,” I said,
glancing to the clock on the fireplace. Odjo nodded, supporting his hand on my
shoulder as he sat down next to me. “I suppose we meet on the weekend then?” he
asked.
“Sure, Saturday, same time, same
place,” I replied, “fine, Trowa?” I
asked.
“Guess so,” he snorted and got up.
Odjo and Trowa packed their books and made it for the door. Odjo was ready
first, said goodbye to Trowa, and I escorted him to the hall. He would probably
not have found it on his own, since it was the first time he had ever been
here.
“Goodbye, Quatre-kun,” he said,
hugging me friendly. “Ja ne, tomorrow.”
“Ja ne,” I answered and closed the
door behind him. Just then, Trowa appeared in the hall, succeessfully hiding
behind his bangs, his face in a dark expression. The moment was uncomfortably
tense. I held my hands together in awkwardness. I had no idea how to act. If
everything had been alright, Trowa would have stayed a while longer, but
instead, he turned around to grab his jacket from the hook in the hall.
I went towards him, grabbed his
elbow and turned him back to face me. I didn’t want to have to face this any
longer, I didn’t want my evening to be spoiled like that. I wanted at least be
able to understand him. I wanted at least get his point and maybe make my own.
He let go of his jacket, knowing there was no escape from a conversation now.
“Trowa.”
“Not here.”
“My room?”
“Will do.”
We silently went upstairs and I
closed the door behind me. Trowa sat down on the sofa and I let myself sink in
a comfortable chair across from him.
“What have I done to you?”
“Why didn’t you let me decide, too?”
His eyes sternly fixed an unlit candle on the table in front of him. I had no
idea what he was talking about, and I surely let him know.
“Odjo. Why did you not ask me before
you asked him?”
“I didn’t know this mattered so much
to you.” This what was all his childish behavior was about? It made me furious.
He could just have told me, and I would have promised I‘d not do such a mistake
again. I would simply have acknowledged my fault and excused, why that torture?
“It would not have mattered, but
Odjo – of all persons!”
“What do you have against him? He’s
good at calculus.”
“Is that all that matters to you? He
is horrible, he is a damn prick!” I was on the edge of screaming to me. I was
shocked, by the words he used, I was shocked by his expression and by the
volume of his voice. Maybe I was even scared, for I hadn’t seen Trowa so
outraged, ever. I surely did not deserve that. If he didn’t like Odjo, fine. I
couldn’t know that. To be brief, I felt totally mistreated.
“What makes you say something like
that?” I asked him in an upset tone, since I didn’t understand what he had
against the generally liked student in the first place.
“Stop being so ignorant!!!”
“HONTO NI? Why am I ignorant? Stop
saying that!”
“He is dirty, he is practically
glomping on anything that comes across him.”
“Nonsense.”
“Are you blind?” his voice was so
cold and harsh, it still frightened me. We both sat tensed by now. I didn’t
want the fright come through to me and automatically turned it into hate. Trowa
was so wrong, Odjo was perfectly normal, like anybody else. But was that really
the subject anymore?
“Trowa, I am not blind, I am not
deaf. What is it? Are you jealous, or what?” The volume of my voice had
multiplied with itself and I jumped of from my chair, fists clenched, muscles
tensed – as much from agony as from anger.
“JEALOUS? On that one, because you chose
him? Now you are talking nonsense,
Quatre!” he spat, before leaning back. “Stop believing in everyones kindness,”
he said, whispering harshly, pronouncing every syllable with perfect
distinctness.
“Everyone deserves a chance, Trowa.
There’s no reason-”
“All I want you is to awake before
you hurt yourself!”
“Well, I am pretty much awake now,
thanks to you,” I said, fighting back the first tears that were about to come,
for the fight surely stressed me, and that, in addition to all the test- and
project stress. “I am awake enough, to see, that the blissful relationship I
believed we shared is maybe not so great after all.”
“Then, What am I doing here anyway?”
he replied, narrowed emerald eyes fixed on me, as he got up from the sofa.
“I don’t know,” I said, tensing all
my muscles and getting up as well, for I surely couldn’t be still anymore. In
rage, we glared at each other. “Maybe you just want to be mean to me?!”
“Maybe I just want to protect you?!”
“I don’t need your protection,
thanks! Maybe you should better leave now,” I yelled, and this time my voice
broke, “Leave my room, leave my damn house!”
“FINE!” and with that he turned to
the door, got outside and I heard him rumble down the stairs in a manner, that
just didn’t fit him. The door slammed shut, echoing through the empty hall,
leaving nobody at home, but me.
“Why is everyone in this huge
mansion always absent?” I asked as I stumbled back onto the chair, tears leaking
down my face. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why was I such a stupid little
fifteen year-old, not able to behave? I had wanted to understand him, not to
piss him off, and that was where it lead me... I vacantly stared around in my
own empty room. Trowa was gone, because I had told him to. Why had I? Why
hadn’t I tried to settle things? What an aristocrat, what an heir, did I make
for my family, if I could not control my own emotions?
I sobbed into my hands, increasing
my pain as I told myself, whom I
had just ordered to leave my house. It was the one I love, my koi, my panther,
it was Trowa. And was there a way back? Could I dare to apologise? For almost
an hour I told myself how stupid I had been, then I took the book from the
table, remembering a computer science test was due on Monday, but I could not
quite concentrate.
Eventually, I got up and dialled his
number again, my hands shivering. I wasn’t even sure I could get a word out.
Nobody picked up. Late that night four of my sisters returned from a long
vacation, I wouldn’t be alone anymore, like I had been the last week. At least
not in the evenings. Once again I picked up the phone, once again, nobody
answered. I kept calling, but I had no luck.
I excused at my sisters for not
being in the mood of listening to their vacation’s anecdotes and locked myself
in my room. I set the alarm clock and lay down on my bed, dressed as I was, to
cry myself into sleep. Was he being mean, was I being naive and stupid? I was a
teenager, I had a right to be naive. I didn’t think, I really was, though. It
didn’t matter, what mattered was, that I had just managed to piss him off, the
one I love.
The next morning, I was walking to
school all on my own, not expecting Trowa to want to walk with me. I took
another route but happened to run into him, Duo, Wufei and Heero, when I was
close to the school. I silently walked next to them.
“Uh... Quatre?” Duo asked cautiously
looking into my face, “What’s wrong with Trowa...?” He paused for a moment,
staring at my red eyes, sore from crying so much. He was surprised and
added “And what’s wrong with you?”
pitifully.
“Don’t ask me, I am a stupid and
ignorant child,” I answered painfully, one hand dug into my pocket, the other
clenched around the handle of my schoolbag. Duo shrugged, not bugging me any
further. They could perfectly well tell, Trowa and I were not at ease with each
other. Everyone who knew about our relation could tell we were fighting. Alone
by seeing my embarrassingly marked face and my hanging head.
Of course, I couldn’t keep my face
veiled, not after all that crying. People came across me and asked, what was
wrong, and I perfectly lied into their faces about allergies and coming
sicknesses. Even the calculus teacher asked me whether I was alright.
“It’s okay, Miss,” I sniffed, “I
think I’m allergic against something, I am not sure what, yet. Hope it isn’t
anything serious.” How ironic was that? It
was deadly serious and it was painful, but the lie did well, although I felt
lousy about lying. Trowa sat next to me, as always in calculus, and I have no
idea, whether he was surprised by me telling such a flat lie to someone like a
teacher – so coldly.
Lunch was quiet, the air tensed.
Wufei, Duo and Heero watched us, since we still sat across from them. “Can we
help you in any way?” Heero asked after a long while, breaking the silence.
“No,” Trowa and I replied at the
same moment, furiously picking in our salads. It must have been quite a
ridiculous sight to see us, the representation of the most lovely, adorable and
perfect couple, fighting like this, raping our own minds as best as we could.
But there we were, and it was exactly what we were doing. Only once I looked up
at him, longing for Trowa’s love beneath the surface of my anger. His stern
look, the hate shown on his face made me give up any hope for apology. I
couldn’t approach him. I was scared, I was sad, and he didn’t care, anyway. I
never thought he could hate me that much, but he did.
Writing class was plain horror. I
was staring at my empty pad, a pencil clutched in my fingers, and didn’t bring
much down on paper. When the teacher finally began talking again, I vacantly
stared into space. I asked myself, whether I should really let his anger come
through to me. What was this fight about? It wasn’t about Odjo, anymore. It had
never really been. What nagged on me was, that he had called me ignorant, that
he constantly tried to protect me, and most of all, that he could hate me that
much. I remembered all that hate reflected on him right before he had left my
room. Why... why did he hate me like that? What was so wrong about me, that it
could make him turn against me like that?
Duo softly poked me with the dull
end of his pencil.
“Hey Quatre, sure I can’t help you?”
he asked carefully. Heero was watching us from the side, carefully checking my
reaction. There wasn’t much to check, though, the Japanese had miscalculated my
self-control: Snapping back into presence, I stared at Duo for a second, before
tears welled up in my eyes and ran down my cheeks. It was just then that the
bell rang for the break. Duo helped me pack my books and dragged me over to the
nearest bathroom, which happened to be empty. Finally there, I leaned into his
arms and burst my sorrow out, crying:
“Trowa... he is so angry. All
because of my stupid decision to calculate with Odjo... he told me I was
ignorant, he slammed the door shut... he hates me now... I yelled at him... I
didn’t want to really, Duo...” You see, I didn’t make much sense, I was just
glad, someone was there to catch my sobs. Duo held me for a while before
grabbing a tissue and wiping my face off.
“We’ll be late for art...” he
whispered and wiped my cheeks dry some more. “Can you settle this fight?” he
asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t wait for him to do something,
do it yourself,” Duo advised me, before dragging me to our classroom. We were
ten minutes late, the teacher got all mad at us, Duo mumbled something about
allergies before we were dragged to the director and given detention the same
day. Duo didn’t mind, but I longed to go home. He did a fine job in distracting
me, when we were studying economics together. I guess that was all he could do
for me. I returned home late, ate a little and went into my room. I started
scribbling on a sketch pad, I drew a tree hit by a lighting, and threw it into
the trashcan afterwards.
The phone rang and I immediately
grabbed it before someone else could, hoping - of course – that it was Trowa.
“Quatre Raberba Winner, hello?” I
answered, trying to sound cheerful.
“...” The phone clicked and then
beeped at me. Had he just hung up? I put the receiver down, waiting for it to
ring again – at least hoping it would. It didn’t. Heavy steps lead me back into
my room. The weekend was going to come, since it was Friday evening. Never had
I hated the weekend as much as this! I wouldn’t see what was up with Trowa in
school, not to mention how much I feared our meeting for the calculus problem,
with the innocent subject of our fight. Poor Odjo, it wasn’t his fault. I
settled down with a computer science book, trying to set my mind on Monday’s
test. It was already dark outside. Last Friday I had cuddled up with Trowa at
this time, enjoying a bowl of strawberries in my bed in a most pleasant way.
I didn’t achieve anything in studying at all
that night. The words flickered in front of my eyes. I washed and undressed and
slid into my bed. The blanket was all cold and heavy. I watched the moon wander
across the window and the stars sparkling. I remembered when I first had seen
these emerald eyes sparkling the same way. It had been a revolution... the
revolution of Trowa breaking out of his shell. It was all too long ago, it
seemed.
The next day was just crappy. I hardly talked
to my sisters, but out of politeness I listened to what they told me about
their vacation, before I hid in my room again, pretending, schoolwork had to be
done. I did my homework half-heartedly and an hour before Trowa and Odjo would
come, I was on the edge of my nerves. I wondered whether I would get a chance
to talk with him, or whether I even wanted to have one.
When the doorbell rang five minutes early, I
almost fell off my chair, though it was only Odjo. I wiped my eyes clean as he
undressed and lead him inside, settling on the floor next to the small table,
my books on my knees.
“What do you think we are going achieve today?”
I asked.
“Eh... I think we’ll work out the exact way,
and start calculating the beginning. Then each of us can solve the problem
alone, and we’ll check our outcome in school. Hopefully we’ll all will have the
same results. Then the calculation should be right.”
“Sounds good to me.”
The doorbell rang and I went to let Trowa in,
my throbbing heart falling into deepest blackness. Wordlessly, the European
settled down and put his papers onto the table.
“Let’s divide the problem into sections, that
should make it easier,” he said. “Quatre, are your allergies getting better?” –
He perfectly knew I had none.
“I don’t think so,” I answered, referring to me
feelings about the fighting.
“Pity. I suggest we make a break in the
calculation right when we have all the results for this part,” his hands went
over the sheetsl, skillfully pointing out what he meant.
“Okay,” I said, resigning into whatever he
wanted, just to get the evening over with.
We cleared a few things with the calculus
problem, the air still tense.
“What about we end right here,” I said finally,
when everything was sorted, “and we’ll all go through the calculations on our
own. If we all have the same result tomorrow, we can be sure we all understood
what we did here.”
Odjo and Trowa agreed, Trowa quickly put his
sheets in a bag and went towards the door, while Odjo was still staring at his
notes. Mimicking the polite host, I accompanied Trowa to the door. He didn’t
say a word, and I couldn’t find one either.
Don’t wait for him to
do something... I
remembered Duo’s words.
“Trowa,” I started. He turned around and looked
at me, full of the darkness he had kept ever since we had yelled at each other.
I immediately lost hope in anything helping at all. We stared at one another
before he turned around and left. My heart was throbbing in pain.
I returned back to Odjo.
“You are looking worried,” he stated,
scribbling on his paper, already calculating.
“I just hope I can do that,” I partly lied, “I am
not as smart in calculus as you are.”
“Are you crazy, you were even moved up a grade
for that!”
“Maybe they shouldn’t have done that,” I smiled
and closed the book.
“If you want, we can go through it together.
Two sharp minds do better calculation than one, and we’ll definitely have the
same result.”
I nodded. At least he would force me to do it,
then. I was not sure I could force myself. I settled down next to him and
sighed. Getting started always is a bad thing. We calculated for a while
silently, sharing the results we got in between steps and checking each other’s
calculations for minor mistakes, if they did not match.
“Uh – I have no idea whether you can divide
this – or actually which number to divide here,” I complained, totally lost in
my scribbling. He leaned over some and looked at what I had done so far. We
started doing the difficult part together, looking at the same book. I found an
important mistake and he patted me gently.
“Good, Quatre, that saves us a lot of
corrections!”
I smiled, moving on. As we calculated more and
more, he started to lean on me, and finally laid a hand around my shoulder,
adding a number to our calculations. His hand travelled down to my hip. I
finally asked myself what this guy was doing, remembering Trowa’s warning only
too well. Odjo didn’t... or did he?
“Aaaaand... finished!” he said, adding the last
number. He gasped in relief. I couldn’t really, not with that hand on my side.
He squeezed it a little.
“Good stuff, Quatre. Quite tiring, isn’t it?
But we did it!”
“H-hai,” I answered, leaning away a little.
He edged nearer, looking into my eyes, just
smiling. “If you ever need help...” he gently poked my nose, “Just call me,
okay?”
I was perfectly tense. He poked my nose? And all that while holding a
squeezing hand to my hips! What was next? Would he just start undressing, or
what?
“Quite cold, that big house,” he said, rubbing
my shoulder in a most gentle way. “Aren’t you freezing?”
“N-no... I got used to that,” I quickly packed
my books and sheets. “It’s late, Odjo,” I said, blushing in embarrassment of
what was happening right here, “See you in school, okay?”
“Uh-huh,” he answered and slowly let go of me.
I politely brought him to the front door, saying goodbye. He hugged me in
return, which I didn’t like at all right now. While he hugged me, I felt his
nose in my neck, and a hand travelled down, grabbing my bum, the other was on
my thigh. I quickly disengaged and shut the door as soon as he was outside. I
held a hand to my beating heart. What had he thought he was doing? I picked up
the book from the living room and clenched it, pressing it against my chest.
What was even more painful than the experience
I had just had, was, that Trowa had been right all along. Odjo was a dirty
little hentai, trying it even on boys! I shuddered. Why hadn’t I believed
Trowa? It probably had seemed to absurd to me, that the generally admired
bishounen would really do something like that. I should have believed Trowa,
because after all, Odjo was in his
class, not mine.
I slid down the back of my door. My sisters
were all to their rooms, not one there to comfort me. But what should I have
told them, anyway... a boy from my class had just inappropriately grabbed my
bum? I shook my head and threw the calculus problem onto the table. Damn school!
If it had not been for that stupid project, nothing would have happened. Trowa
would not hate me! Once again tears were floating. Guess, I really just was a
stupid, little boy... adult people don’t cry that often.
Sunday was just as hard as the day before.
Impossible to concentrate on computer science. Acting cheerfully towards my
sisters just made me weary. I spend hours in my room, trying to read, trying to
draw, trying to write down my misery – it lead from one failure to the next. I
worked on the computer, to get ready for the test, and I failed my programming
task. The first time ever, I didn’t
know what was wrong with my program and could not fix it. It didn’t matter. I
wouldn’t fail that test tomorrow, and if it wasn’t that good, I could live with
it. I just wanted to sleep, because while sleeping, you don’t feel too much.
Monday I was walking to school entirely on my
own. I had cried most of the evening before and I did cry walking up to school.
The whole fight was entirely my fault, Trowa had really tried to protect me. I
was just an ignorant kid, just as he had put it. It was right, he should have
screamed it in my face even louder. I only saw him pass by on the corridor.
Wufei was at my side most of the time, just being there. It’s great to have
friends, that stand at your side, even when you are the worst company they
could possibly have. I guess I looked much worse than on Friday, having cried
even more and being even more sad and upset. People kept asking me about my
allergies, they even told me about some good doctors. It’s quite a good thing,
people are not really interested. They should have seen my tears were not
provoked by allergies.
When we finally came to the calculus test,
Trowa send me a few looks, I caught them from the corner of my eyes. I couldn’t
see what they meant, I didn’t see them clearly enough. Occasionally blowing my
nose, I went through the test half-heartedly, only doing the things necessary.
As always, Heero finished his test in no time,
handed it in way too early (and usually without mistakes) and left. Since it
was the last lesson that day, we were allowed to go home after we finished. As
usually, Trowa handed his in shortly after Heero’s. I followed the example,
together with Duo, and we left right before Wufei got up to hand his in. The
rest of the class was still working on it.
“Quatre... Heero said he’d talk with Trowa, and
I want to tell you, that two people in love shouldn’t hurt each other and
themselves so much. This makes no sense, whatever makes you upset about each
other,” Duo said.
I looked into big purple eyes. “He hates me.
What can I do?” I said resignedly.
“He doesn’t, you know that. It hurts him just
as much.”
I left Duo, walking home on my own, without
another word. I so wished it was true, but I doubted it. Letting my head hang,
I walked across the yard to the door of my huge and empty home. I simply
acknowledged Trowa’s presence on the front steps, as if it didn’t affect me. I
didn’t want it to, but it did. What was he doing here? I was hurt, I wanted to
be on my own and not have to endure his hate. No matter how beautiful he was,
there was pain, and for my own protection I wouldn’t let him go on with this.
I unlocked the door and stepped inside, still
ignoring the European – probably with the most painful look ever displayed on
my face. He caught the door before it fell shut and entered the hall behind me.
Mechanically, I hung my jacket away and pocketed the keys. I couldn’t look at
him.
I went upstairs to my room, trying not to care
what he was doing down there. I felt him follow me in some distance, as I
entered my room, leaving the door open. Yes, I secretly wished he would come
in. The next test was history, so I grabbed a book and pretended to read. I
couldn’t, of course. Especially not, when Trowa entered the room silently. At
least he wasn’t yelling at me again.
My eyes were fixed to the page, but I tried to
catch every move he made.
“Mizu Me...” he addressed me softly.
In wiped an awkward hand under my eye, to catch
the tear he was not supposed to see.
“I saw how you were suffering,” he said,
sitting on the other side of the sofa, “and I regretted having done this to
you.” I let the book sink and just listened to that beautiful voice, as he kept
on speaking. “I am really sorry to have hurt you like that. I still love you as
much as I always have, and being without you was pure torture. If you like
Odjo, it’s fine with me. And if you think I am trying to protect you too much,
I’ll be less protective in future. I know you can take care of yourself, and if
I am overdoing anything, it is because I love you. ... It is strange. Here I
am, trying to keep anyone from hurting you, and it is me how hurts you the
most, Mizu Me.”
My tears were running openly, but soundless, by
then. Such beautiful words, from such a beautiful boy, taking the entire blame
on him for something, I had messed up.
“I really don’t know what to do or say now,
Quatre. Ai shiteru, as much as I have loved you from the first day I saw you. I
never want to over-react in your presence again. I am deeply ashamed to have
done that to the one I love, and even more, that I dared to keep it up for so
long. I hope you can forgive me for all that. If not now, than maybe later.
I’ll leave you all the time you wish... if you’re just going to be alright
again.”
“You were so right,” I faltered. “You were gone
and Odjo and I were doing the calculations together and... he laid his hands on
me, just like that, without asking. I should have trusted you in the first
place, Trowa, you know him and me so much better. I know you were just trying
to...”
“HE DID WHAT?” Trowa interrupted me furiously.
“Well, he... laid his hands on my hips and ...
hugged me... grabbing my rear and my thigh... I was so scared...” I described
honestly.
“THAT BASTARD!!! NOBODY LAYS HANDS ON YOU!!!”
“T-Trowa?”
“KISAMA! I’LL RIP THE BONES OUT OF HIS BODY,”
he yelled, furiously jumping up. “Let him come across to me and he can calculate on my fists! Touching you
without permission and scaring my Mizu Me, when he’s all alone... such a
hentai! Such a miserable, little prick. I will turn him inside out, after I
skinned him, and I’ll beet the shit out of him!”
The sight of Trowa - who just a second ago had
told me quietly and thoughtfully, how sorry he was, how much he loved me; the Trowa
who had been scared I wouldn’t accept his beautiful apology – it was just too
funny. He was standing in the middle of the room, fists clenched as if anybody
coming across him would be seriously hurt – while he was making up more and
more serious injuries he would inflict upon Odjo. I couldn’t help but burst out
giggling and laughing at this display.
“Quatre, what’s the matter?” he asked, mildly
disturbed.
“You are being overly protective!” I burst out
laughing, making him stand bewildered for a moment. He looked at me... at
himself... at me...
“I am?”
“Yeah, and I love it!” I got up and pushed him
backwards. As I had intended, he tripped over the edge of my bed, falling
backwards onto it, me landing right on top of him, our feet dangling off the
edge.
“I missed you so much!” I said, kissing his
lips instantly. “This fight was horror.”
He nodded, and looked at me, with the most
loving eyes. A look, I haven’t seen on him for long. Not since all the stress
in school had started.
“Hn, my thought,” he said, still looking. And I
looked back, hungry to see his face close to me, hungry to get lost in these
eyes.
“Trowa...” I whispered after a while.
“Hm?”
“Protect me!” We both burst out in giggles and
he pulled me up, so we were completely on the bed. He silently kissed my chin,
my neck, my lips. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it, leaning back, relaxing. He
rolled up, half on top of me. Our
tongues met, I finally tasted sweetness again. We disengaged. I felt his breath
crawling over my skin as he softly brushed his lips over my eyelids and my wet
lashes. It tickled nicely, and I purred in joy. My fingers searched for the
skin under his school shirt. Still enjoying the softness of his lips on my
face, my hand unbuttoned his shirt. I hadn’t only missed his love, his protectiveness
and his beauty... I had missed these moments only lovers can have, too. I had
missed the moment when I felt how much we meant to each other, and how much
trust there was between us...
I’ll leave it here, now, the rest is only for
him and me.
I think you can draw your own conclusions from
this story. I just have to say, that I was perfectly proven, that fighting with
Trowa makes no sense, only hurts and is completely unnecessary. When this fight
started, I should have already known that. Yet, sometimes too much stress at
hand leaves you no room to relax or start thinking. Never let that happen to
you. Take time for yourselves before you regret it, there’s nothing more
important than to make sure you yourselves are well. Never, never ever load your
stress, frustration and anger onto someone else, because it’s entirely unfair,
even if that person does the same to you, and you will definitely regret it.
Allow people to help you with that and other things instead. It is easier and
much more effective.
Sincerely, Quatre