Um... Guess you found another file on my computer guys? It is me, Quatre, again. Well, if you’re ready to learn something new from my experiences, read right ahead. I believe we all learn through experience, right? I am nothing but a mortal young boy, a little rich maybe, and just like you I make mistakes and learn through them. You never know when it’s a mistakes and the consequnces can be quite unpleasant…
Okay, I am writing nonsense again, avoiding the point I am going to make. First of all, let me make one thing clear: Trowa is still the only one of all, my pride, my second half, if you will, but even I change under pressure, under society, under the influence of other people. I am not as strong as he is, and maybe not as clever or attentive. Uh… yeah the story.
No, I can’t begin yet, there’s still one thing: School is a good place. No matter how bad it may seem in this story, I like going there, I like learning new things, I like to earn knowledge from people who know more than I do in some subjects, and less in others. I am interested in all these things, and I gladly work to take the opportunity I am given at school.
Okay, I am going to tell my story now. Where shall I begin? I think it all started in our last three weeks at school. Duo, Wufei, Heero, Trowa and me were stuck in work, we were heading for our finals. Briefly, it was the stressiest time of my life. The guys and I were often meeting at home, studying. And I tell you it is not easy to study with Duo, Heero and Wufei. Duo has no interest in studying whatsoever and successfully keeps distracting us. Heero knows everything already, anyway, he has an astonishing memory. He just solves his problems quietly and moves on (on his own), while we still struggle. He is always ahead of us. Wufei does study some, but he has no condition to keep to one thing for long, and eventually goes talking about Meiran, his beloved wife, or doodles on his papers. To sum it all up: all our nerves get stressed whenever we meet, but we need each other to keep going and for explanations. Oh, as for Trowa, since he is in a higher grade, he just stretches on the sofa with his books and quietly studies for himself, while we sit on the floor around a table and debate. As the “older” he keeps an eye on us, telling us to return to work or stop debatimg, when we get distracted or too loud. Only for calculus and computer science he, of course, shares the table with us. Our only luck is, that after all, each of us is quite smart – even Duo – compared to the other students. So far, we never failed a test with this method, so we keep to it.
Still, it is tearing on our nerves, wihout us even noticing it. By the second week (we had passed three tests so far), we were more fighting than debating – only Trowa kept a partly cool head - but he, also was on the edge. When the others had left and we had put all our books aside, he would usually come up from behind, wrap me in his arms, and pull me back to lean against him. It was the only form of relaxation we had, before he went home and I tiredly crawled into bed. Except for the weekends, we didn’t have much time for each other, in the way koibitos should. It only added up to our frustration.
Things reached their top when the calculus teacher assigned us for extremely difficult problems to solve in groups of three. Wufei, Duo and Heero immediately stuck their heads togeher – with our agreement – leaving me and Trowa to choose a partner from those who were still free. I immediately turned back to the row behind us.
“Hey, Odjo, care to take that project with us?”
“Sure, eh… no problem, eh…”
Trowa threw me a look of which I could not detect the meaning.
“Good, okay, we’ll meet at … mh… my mention tomorrow at six then?” I asked them both. Odjo nodded and Trowa kept that look on me. “Guess so,” he said, somewhat grumpy. I wondered whether I had said something wrong, but I had no time to ask. The teacher ordered us to calm down and handed out different problems to each group. Duo, Wufei and Heero got a mediocre one, Trowa, me and Odjo were staring at something undefinable at the first sight. We gulped – this would be some tough work, and while we still had to study for the upcoming tests. Trowa sighed some, in his usual quiet manner, so people who didn’t know him didn’t really grab that. I planned three evenings for that problem. One to understand the problem and collect ideas about the solution, one to find the best solution and one to actually solve it. When were we supposed to do all this, when the teacher only granted us no more than ten days? Well, there was no debating, we had to present something after that time.
After calculus we headed towards different classes. I waved a nice goodbye to Trowa but he either didn’t see it, or he didn’t return it. How disappointing, but well, we were just in school. We met after school walking down towards our homes. I assumed, Trowa would, as always come with me. Wufei, Heero and Duo were discussing where they would meet… well, Duo was.
“We should do that quickly. I have to study for lit and writing this week and next week we need to work on history, cuz except for Heero and Quatre we all suck at it. Not to mention economics – we need your help with that Quatre. What about we meet at my house about five or five thirty tomorrow?”
“No way we gonna do anything in that dirty hole of yours!!!” Wufei protested.
“Well, if we go to you and Meiran, you’ll be totally distracted!” Duo snapped back.
Wufei blushed at this spoken truth and stuck his tongue out.
“And I’ll clean up!!!” Duo added fiercefully.
“Ha! That’s the joke of the century, MAXWELL!”
“No it is not, CHANG, it is the bitter truth. If you don’t believe me, solve the problem on your own and let Meiran help you!!!”
”She is much smarter than you, KISAMA!!!”
“Yeah, and three times as smart as you are!”
“KEEP IT DOWN YOU TWO!” Trowa yelled all of a sudden. Trowa never yells. I almost fell of the path and right into the bushes. The others were equally astonished and staring at Trowa, jaws dropping. Trowa just kept on walking as if everything was perfectly normal. Heero was the first to find his voice again.
“He’s right. We meet at my house.” That silenced the conversation for the rest of the way. Wufei left our walking group first, sending a bitter glare at Duo. At a streetcorner, Heero and Duo parted from us, going home in another direction, amazingly, Trowa followed them towards his own home.
“Trowa-chan?” I inquired softly. He should at least have told me, that he had some work to attend to. I started to seriously wonder what was wrong.
“Gotta do my stuff alone,” he said grumpily and walked away in silence. I watched after him and he didn’t turn around once. Now I knew something was not alright. I sighed and made my way home. Had I done something wrong? Had I said something to insult him? Had I been too restrained lately, was there something frustrating him? Was I possibly getting on his nerves? Why should I, though? And wouldn’t he tell me if I did? I cleared my head. We all had work to attend to, maybe he had a lot of homework, he had difficulties doing in my presence. I knew that problem from myself perfectly well.
The afternoon went by slowly. I sat on my desk, trying to get the different countries in Europe, their capitals, their size, most important influences on world history, and so on into my head… I couldn’t quite concentrate and watched the clock tick away. Four thirty, and Trowa had not even called yet. Sighing, I returned to my books and added data to my list. At about five, I couldn’t stand the silence of my room any longer. I went down to the hall and dialed his number.
“Trowa Barton,” his voice came shortly after the first ringing.
“It’s me, korohyou,” I said cheerfully.
“Oh,” he just said.
“Mh… won’t you come over today?” There was no reply, “I can come over if you want to…” I offered.
“No,” he answered in a monotone voice. “Need to study.”
“Really?” I said, full of regret. “O-okay. I miss you, Trowa. Is everything okay with you?”
“Hn. See you tomorrow.”
Okay, that was it! He was hiding something from me, he was avoiding my question.
“Koi… I really hope everything is fine.”
“Okay. Can I get back to work now?” he snorted.
The conversation had made me entirely sad. What was wrong with him? He had sounded so sad and it was as if he didn’t want to have to deal with me right now. I hung up sadly – couldn’t he hear I was worried? This was so not like him, this was confusingly strange. But what could I do but wait. I considered phoning any of the other guys and try to find out what was wrong, but I did not in the end. Maybe it would all be better tomorrow. He might just have to sort something out with himself and I shouldn’t interfere. I didn’t need to hang at his side the entire time. I went to bed early, reading some more economics before I was to tired to comprehend anything of the written words.
I even woke up quite happily and was early waiting for Trowa on the street, where we usually met to walk to school. He came there, quite early, too, but he looked much less relaxed than I did. I smiled at him, trying my best to make things easier for him, whatever it was that was distracting him. I didn’t need to know everything.
“Morning, koi!” I cheered, waiting for a morning kiss. He didn’t allow me that, though, he just said “morning” shortly and lead the way forwards. It was disturbing, but I stayed cheerful.
We walked in silence, which is nothing unusual when one’s with Trowa, but his face was much less at ease than usual.
“Trowa – daijobo?” I tried again.
“Really, if there’s anything…?”
“Stop it, Quatre. I don’t want your help right now.” Now, that hurt. Why did he do that to me? He acted so nasty, I did not know that of him.
“Have I done something to you?” I said, a little pain reflecting in my voice as I looked up to him. He did not look back. I couldn’t understand him at all, why was he doing this? I had no right to know everything, although I thought he would trust me in everything, but he had no right to hurt me for no appearant reason. He did not reply to my question.
“Stop hurting me like that!” I said harshly, not seeing any fairness in this.
“Same to you.”
At that moment, Duo and Heero joined us, roughly disturbing our conversation. Duo with his normal cheerfulness drew all attention to himself, perfectly hiding Trowa’s and my problem from himself, Heero and Wufei, who joined us a minute later.
You can believe my day in school was crappy, since I had no chance to find out what was wrong with Trowa. And it was an incredible long day, since we had school till late in the afternoon and in addition Trowa had off an hour before me. So when we next met, Odjo was already with me and we were spreading our books on the table. When I opened the door I tried for the last time to gain his sympathy with a happy “Trowa-chan” and by leaning towards him to steal a little kiss. He took my kiss but returned as much as nothing, not even a smile. It was so saddening and disturbing. What could I do, though? He forced his way inside to Odjo and the table.
“We can begin then,” I said unnecessarily and pretending to be alright. I sat across from Odjo and the greatest torture of my life began. The calculus problem was the tiniest problem we had, but pretending to be alright in front of Odjo and being actually hurt deep inside was another thing. It worked quite well at the start, but then Trowa started to critisize me more and more. Our conversations always took the same direction:
“I think, we should take the ankle from here to find the size of this side. There should be a way described in our book,” I pondered out to the others.
“Nonsense,” Trowa said, “it serves us nothing, what we need is the other side to come closer to the conclusion. It’s easy, it’s just the same way we did four lessons ago.”
“Hm,” Odjo would interfere, “but Quatre’s way would be easier.”
“…and unnecessary!” Trowa said again.
“Well, then try it your way. You’ll see we’ll miss important information!” I snapped.
“Not if we stick to the plan. Don’t be so ignorant, Quatre.”
“I’m not ignorant, I’m reasonable.”
“Trowa, actually… you are right, but we’d have to take a few other steps before that, or we won’t get very far. Basically, it could be the solution though,” Odjo finally concluded, totally sticking to the minor problem at hand, having no idea about what really was going on. Trowa groaned.
“I don’t get it!” I admitted. Those two outsmarted me in calculus, anyway.
Odjo came over, moved his finger through my book and carefully explained to me what Trowa meant to do. I finally picked it up, and nodded.
“We’ll do that, then. I finally got what is really needed here, thanks, Odjo,” I replied, sending a biting look to Trowa. Yes, I was angry by now, for I didn’t know what the hell he was being so mad at me for. Trowa snorted back lightly, Odjo did not pick it up.
“No problem, eh? We’ll fix that in no time,” he said, still leaning over me and looking at me from the side. I smiled at him, nodding.
“I’s too late now, though,” I said, glancing to the clock on the fireplace. Odjo nodded, supporting his hand on my shoulder as he sat down next to me. “I suppose we meet on the weekend then?” he asked.
“Sure, Saturday, same time, same place,” I replied, “fine, Trowa?” I asked.
“Guess so,” he snorted and got up. Odjo and Trowa packed their books and made it for the door. Odjo was ready first, said goodbye to Trowa, and I escorted him to the hall. He would probably not have found it on his own, since it was the first time he had ever been here.
“Goodbye, Quatre-kun,” he said, hugging me friendly. “Ja ne, tomorrow.”
“Ja ne,” I answered and closed the door behind him. Just then, Trowa appeared in the hall, succeessfully hiding behind his bangs, his face in a dark expression. The moment was uncomfortably tense. I held my hands together in awkwardness. I had no idea how to act. If everything had been alright, Trowa would have stayed a while longer, but instead, he turned around to grab his jacket from the hook in the hall.
I went towards him, grabbed his elbow and turned him back to face me. I didn’t want to have to face this any longer, I didn’t want my evening to be spoiled like that. I wanted at least be able to understand him. I wanted at least get his point and maybe make my own. He let go of his jacket, knowing there was no escape from a conversation now.
We silently went upstairs and I closed the door behind me. Trowa sat down on the sofa and I let myself sink in a comfortable chair across from him.
“What have I done to you?”
“Why didn’t you let me decide, too?” His eyes sternly fixed an unlit candle on the table in front of him. I had no idea what he was talking about, and I surely let him know.
“Odjo. Why did you not ask me before you asked him?”
“I didn’t know this mattered so much to you.” This what was all his childish behavior was about? It made me furious. He could just have told me, and I would have promised I‘d not do such a mistake again. I would simply have acknowledged my fault and excused, why that torture?
“It would not have mattered, but Odjo – of all persons!”
“What do you have against him? He’s good at calculus.”
“Is that all that matters to you? He is horrible, he is a damn prick!” I was on the edge of screaming to me. I was shocked, by the words he used, I was shocked by his expression and by the volume of his voice. Maybe I was even scared, for I hadn’t seen Trowa so outraged, ever. I surely did not deserve that. If he didn’t like Odjo, fine. I couldn’t know that. To be brief, I felt totally mistreated.
“What makes you say something like that?” I asked him in an upset tone, since I didn’t understand what he had against the generally liked student in the first place.
“Stop being so ignorant!!!”
“HONTO NI? Why am I ignorant? Stop saying that!”
“He is dirty, he is practically glomping on anything that comes across him.”
“Are you blind?” his voice was so cold and harsh, it still frightened me. We both sat tensed by now. I didn’t want the fright come through to me and automatically turned it into hate. Trowa was so wrong, Odjo was perfectly normal, like anybody else. But was that really the subject anymore?
“Trowa, I am not blind, I am not deaf. What is it? Are you jealous, or what?” The volume of my voice had multiplied with itself and I jumped of from my chair, fists clenched, muscles tensed – as much from agony as from anger.
“JEALOUS? On that one, because you chose him? Now you are talking nonsense, Quatre!” he spat, before leaning back. “Stop believing in everyones kindness,” he said, whispering harshly, pronouncing every syllable with perfect distinctness.
“Everyone deserves a chance, Trowa. There’s no reason-”
“All I want you is to awake before you hurt yourself!”
“Well, I am pretty much awake now, thanks to you,” I said, fighting back the first tears that were about to come, for the fight surely stressed me, and that, in addition to all the test- and project stress. “I am awake enough, to see, that the blissful relationship I believed we shared is maybe not so great after all.”
“Then, What am I doing here anyway?” he replied, narrowed emerald eyes fixed on me, as he got up from the sofa.
“I don’t know,” I said, tensing all my muscles and getting up as well, for I surely couldn’t be still anymore. In rage, we glared at each other. “Maybe you just want to be mean to me?!”
“Maybe I just want to protect you?!”
“I don’t need your protection, thanks! Maybe you should better leave now,” I yelled, and this time my voice broke, “Leave my room, leave my damn house!”
“FINE!” and with that he turned to the door, got outside and I heard him rumble down the stairs in a manner, that just didn’t fit him. The door slammed shut, echoing through the empty hall, leaving nobody at home, but me.
“Why is everyone in this huge mansion always absent?” I asked as I stumbled back onto the chair, tears leaking down my face. Why couldn’t I control myself? Why was I such a stupid little fifteen year-old, not able to behave? I had wanted to understand him, not to piss him off, and that was where it lead me... I vacantly stared around in my own empty room. Trowa was gone, because I had told him to. Why had I? Why hadn’t I tried to settle things? What an aristocrat, what an heir, did I make for my family, if I could not control my own emotions?
I sobbed into my hands, increasing my pain as I told myself, whom I had just ordered to leave my house. It was the one I love, my koi, my panther, it was Trowa. And was there a way back? Could I dare to apologise? For almost an hour I told myself how stupid I had been, then I took the book from the table, remembering a computer science test was due on Monday, but I could not quite concentrate.
Eventually, I got up and dialled his number again, my hands shivering. I wasn’t even sure I could get a word out. Nobody picked up. Late that night four of my sisters returned from a long vacation, I wouldn’t be alone anymore, like I had been the last week. At least not in the evenings. Once again I picked up the phone, once again, nobody answered. I kept calling, but I had no luck.
I excused at my sisters for not being in the mood of listening to their vacation’s anecdotes and locked myself in my room. I set the alarm clock and lay down on my bed, dressed as I was, to cry myself into sleep. Was he being mean, was I being naive and stupid? I was a teenager, I had a right to be naive. I didn’t think, I really was, though. It didn’t matter, what mattered was, that I had just managed to piss him off, the one I love.
The next morning, I was walking to school all on my own, not expecting Trowa to want to walk with me. I took another route but happened to run into him, Duo, Wufei and Heero, when I was close to the school. I silently walked next to them.
“Uh... Quatre?” Duo asked cautiously looking into my face, “What’s wrong with Trowa...?” He paused for a moment, staring at my red eyes, sore from crying so much. He was surprised and added “And what’s wrong with you?” pitifully.
“Don’t ask me, I am a stupid and ignorant child,” I answered painfully, one hand dug into my pocket, the other clenched around the handle of my schoolbag. Duo shrugged, not bugging me any further. They could perfectly well tell, Trowa and I were not at ease with each other. Everyone who knew about our relation could tell we were fighting. Alone by seeing my embarrassingly marked face and my hanging head.
Of course, I couldn’t keep my face veiled, not after all that crying. People came across me and asked, what was wrong, and I perfectly lied into their faces about allergies and coming sicknesses. Even the calculus teacher asked me whether I was alright.
“It’s okay, Miss,” I sniffed, “I think I’m allergic against something, I am not sure what, yet. Hope it isn’t anything serious.” How ironic was that? It was deadly serious and it was painful, but the lie did well, although I felt lousy about lying. Trowa sat next to me, as always in calculus, and I have no idea, whether he was surprised by me telling such a flat lie to someone like a teacher – so coldly.
Lunch was quiet, the air tensed. Wufei, Duo and Heero watched us, since we still sat across from them. “Can we help you in any way?” Heero asked after a long while, breaking the silence.
“No,” Trowa and I replied at the same moment, furiously picking in our salads. It must have been quite a ridiculous sight to see us, the representation of the most lovely, adorable and perfect couple, fighting like this, raping our own minds as best as we could. But there we were, and it was exactly what we were doing. Only once I looked up at him, longing for Trowa’s love beneath the surface of my anger. His stern look, the hate shown on his face made me give up any hope for apology. I couldn’t approach him. I was scared, I was sad, and he didn’t care, anyway. I never thought he could hate me that much, but he did.
Writing class was plain horror. I was staring at my empty pad, a pencil clutched in my fingers, and didn’t bring much down on paper. When the teacher finally began talking again, I vacantly stared into space. I asked myself, whether I should really let his anger come through to me. What was this fight about? It wasn’t about Odjo, anymore. It had never really been. What nagged on me was, that he had called me ignorant, that he constantly tried to protect me, and most of all, that he could hate me that much. I remembered all that hate reflected on him right before he had left my room. Why... why did he hate me like that? What was so wrong about me, that it could make him turn against me like that?
Duo softly poked me with the dull end of his pencil.
“Hey Quatre, sure I can’t help you?” he asked carefully. Heero was watching us from the side, carefully checking my reaction. There wasn’t much to check, though, the Japanese had miscalculated my self-control: Snapping back into presence, I stared at Duo for a second, before tears welled up in my eyes and ran down my cheeks. It was just then that the bell rang for the break. Duo helped me pack my books and dragged me over to the nearest bathroom, which happened to be empty. Finally there, I leaned into his arms and burst my sorrow out, crying:
“Trowa... he is so angry. All because of my stupid decision to calculate with Odjo... he told me I was ignorant, he slammed the door shut... he hates me now... I yelled at him... I didn’t want to really, Duo...” You see, I didn’t make much sense, I was just glad, someone was there to catch my sobs. Duo held me for a while before grabbing a tissue and wiping my face off.
“We’ll be late for art...” he whispered and wiped my cheeks dry some more. “Can you settle this fight?” he asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t wait for him to do something, do it yourself,” Duo advised me, before dragging me to our classroom. We were ten minutes late, the teacher got all mad at us, Duo mumbled something about allergies before we were dragged to the director and given detention the same day. Duo didn’t mind, but I longed to go home. He did a fine job in distracting me, when we were studying economics together. I guess that was all he could do for me. I returned home late, ate a little and went into my room. I started scribbling on a sketch pad, I drew a tree hit by a lighting, and threw it into the trashcan afterwards.
The phone rang and I immediately grabbed it before someone else could, hoping - of course – that it was Trowa.
“Quatre Raberba Winner, hello?” I answered, trying to sound cheerful.
“...” The phone clicked and then beeped at me. Had he just hung up? I put the receiver down, waiting for it to ring again – at least hoping it would. It didn’t. Heavy steps lead me back into my room. The weekend was going to come, since it was Friday evening. Never had I hated the weekend as much as this! I wouldn’t see what was up with Trowa in school, not to mention how much I feared our meeting for the calculus problem, with the innocent subject of our fight. Poor Odjo, it wasn’t his fault. I settled down with a computer science book, trying to set my mind on Monday’s test. It was already dark outside. Last Friday I had cuddled up with Trowa at this time, enjoying a bowl of strawberries in my bed in a most pleasant way.
I didn’t achieve anything in studying at all that night. The words flickered in front of my eyes. I washed and undressed and slid into my bed. The blanket was all cold and heavy. I watched the moon wander across the window and the stars sparkling. I remembered when I first had seen these emerald eyes sparkling the same way. It had been a revolution... the revolution of Trowa breaking out of his shell. It was all too long ago, it seemed.
The next day was just crappy. I hardly talked to my sisters, but out of politeness I listened to what they told me about their vacation, before I hid in my room again, pretending, schoolwork had to be done. I did my homework half-heartedly and an hour before Trowa and Odjo would come, I was on the edge of my nerves. I wondered whether I would get a chance to talk with him, or whether I even wanted to have one.
When the doorbell rang five minutes early, I almost fell off my chair, though it was only Odjo. I wiped my eyes clean as he undressed and lead him inside, settling on the floor next to the small table, my books on my knees.
“What do you think we are going achieve today?” I asked.
“Eh... I think we’ll work out the exact way, and start calculating the beginning. Then each of us can solve the problem alone, and we’ll check our outcome in school. Hopefully we’ll all will have the same results. Then the calculation should be right.”
“Sounds good to me.”
The doorbell rang and I went to let Trowa in, my throbbing heart falling into deepest blackness. Wordlessly, the European settled down and put his papers onto the table.
“Let’s divide the problem into sections, that should make it easier,” he said. “Quatre, are your allergies getting better?” – He perfectly knew I had none.
“I don’t think so,” I answered, referring to me feelings about the fighting.
“Pity. I suggest we make a break in the calculation right when we have all the results for this part,” his hands went over the sheetsl, skillfully pointing out what he meant.
“Okay,” I said, resigning into whatever he wanted, just to get the evening over with.
We cleared a few things with the calculus problem, the air still tense.
“What about we end right here,” I said finally, when everything was sorted, “and we’ll all go through the calculations on our own. If we all have the same result tomorrow, we can be sure we all understood what we did here.”
Odjo and Trowa agreed, Trowa quickly put his sheets in a bag and went towards the door, while Odjo was still staring at his notes. Mimicking the polite host, I accompanied Trowa to the door. He didn’t say a word, and I couldn’t find one either.
Don’t wait for him to do something... I remembered Duo’s words.
“Trowa,” I started. He turned around and looked at me, full of the darkness he had kept ever since we had yelled at each other. I immediately lost hope in anything helping at all. We stared at one another before he turned around and left. My heart was throbbing in pain.
I returned back to Odjo.
“You are looking worried,” he stated, scribbling on his paper, already calculating.
“I just hope I can do that,” I partly lied, “I am not as smart in calculus as you are.”
“Are you crazy, you were even moved up a grade for that!”
“Maybe they shouldn’t have done that,” I smiled and closed the book.
“If you want, we can go through it together. Two sharp minds do better calculation than one, and we’ll definitely have the same result.”
I nodded. At least he would force me to do it, then. I was not sure I could force myself. I settled down next to him and sighed. Getting started always is a bad thing. We calculated for a while silently, sharing the results we got in between steps and checking each other’s calculations for minor mistakes, if they did not match.
“Uh – I have no idea whether you can divide this – or actually which number to divide here,” I complained, totally lost in my scribbling. He leaned over some and looked at what I had done so far. We started doing the difficult part together, looking at the same book. I found an important mistake and he patted me gently.
“Good, Quatre, that saves us a lot of corrections!”
I smiled, moving on. As we calculated more and more, he started to lean on me, and finally laid a hand around my shoulder, adding a number to our calculations. His hand travelled down to my hip. I finally asked myself what this guy was doing, remembering Trowa’s warning only too well. Odjo didn’t... or did he?
“Aaaaand... finished!” he said, adding the last number. He gasped in relief. I couldn’t really, not with that hand on my side. He squeezed it a little.
“Good stuff, Quatre. Quite tiring, isn’t it? But we did it!”
“H-hai,” I answered, leaning away a little.
He edged nearer, looking into my eyes, just smiling. “If you ever need help...” he gently poked my nose, “Just call me, okay?”
I was perfectly tense. He poked my nose? And all that while holding a squeezing hand to my hips! What was next? Would he just start undressing, or what?
“Quite cold, that big house,” he said, rubbing my shoulder in a most gentle way. “Aren’t you freezing?”
“N-no... I got used to that,” I quickly packed my books and sheets. “It’s late, Odjo,” I said, blushing in embarrassment of what was happening right here, “See you in school, okay?”
“Uh-huh,” he answered and slowly let go of me. I politely brought him to the front door, saying goodbye. He hugged me in return, which I didn’t like at all right now. While he hugged me, I felt his nose in my neck, and a hand travelled down, grabbing my bum, the other was on my thigh. I quickly disengaged and shut the door as soon as he was outside. I held a hand to my beating heart. What had he thought he was doing? I picked up the book from the living room and clenched it, pressing it against my chest.
What was even more painful than the experience I had just had, was, that Trowa had been right all along. Odjo was a dirty little hentai, trying it even on boys! I shuddered. Why hadn’t I believed Trowa? It probably had seemed to absurd to me, that the generally admired bishounen would really do something like that. I should have believed Trowa, because after all, Odjo was in his class, not mine.
I slid down the back of my door. My sisters were all to their rooms, not one there to comfort me. But what should I have told them, anyway... a boy from my class had just inappropriately grabbed my bum? I shook my head and threw the calculus problem onto the table. Damn school! If it had not been for that stupid project, nothing would have happened. Trowa would not hate me! Once again tears were floating. Guess, I really just was a stupid, little boy... adult people don’t cry that often.
Sunday was just as hard as the day before. Impossible to concentrate on computer science. Acting cheerfully towards my sisters just made me weary. I spend hours in my room, trying to read, trying to draw, trying to write down my misery – it lead from one failure to the next. I worked on the computer, to get ready for the test, and I failed my programming task. The first time ever, I didn’t know what was wrong with my program and could not fix it. It didn’t matter. I wouldn’t fail that test tomorrow, and if it wasn’t that good, I could live with it. I just wanted to sleep, because while sleeping, you don’t feel too much.
Monday I was walking to school entirely on my own. I had cried most of the evening before and I did cry walking up to school. The whole fight was entirely my fault, Trowa had really tried to protect me. I was just an ignorant kid, just as he had put it. It was right, he should have screamed it in my face even louder. I only saw him pass by on the corridor. Wufei was at my side most of the time, just being there. It’s great to have friends, that stand at your side, even when you are the worst company they could possibly have. I guess I looked much worse than on Friday, having cried even more and being even more sad and upset. People kept asking me about my allergies, they even told me about some good doctors. It’s quite a good thing, people are not really interested. They should have seen my tears were not provoked by allergies.
When we finally came to the calculus test, Trowa send me a few looks, I caught them from the corner of my eyes. I couldn’t see what they meant, I didn’t see them clearly enough. Occasionally blowing my nose, I went through the test half-heartedly, only doing the things necessary.
As always, Heero finished his test in no time, handed it in way too early (and usually without mistakes) and left. Since it was the last lesson that day, we were allowed to go home after we finished. As usually, Trowa handed his in shortly after Heero’s. I followed the example, together with Duo, and we left right before Wufei got up to hand his in. The rest of the class was still working on it.
“Quatre... Heero said he’d talk with Trowa, and I want to tell you, that two people in love shouldn’t hurt each other and themselves so much. This makes no sense, whatever makes you upset about each other,” Duo said.
I looked into big purple eyes. “He hates me. What can I do?” I said resignedly.
“He doesn’t, you know that. It hurts him just as much.”
I left Duo, walking home on my own, without another word. I so wished it was true, but I doubted it. Letting my head hang, I walked across the yard to the door of my huge and empty home. I simply acknowledged Trowa’s presence on the front steps, as if it didn’t affect me. I didn’t want it to, but it did. What was he doing here? I was hurt, I wanted to be on my own and not have to endure his hate. No matter how beautiful he was, there was pain, and for my own protection I wouldn’t let him go on with this.
I unlocked the door and stepped inside, still ignoring the European – probably with the most painful look ever displayed on my face. He caught the door before it fell shut and entered the hall behind me. Mechanically, I hung my jacket away and pocketed the keys. I couldn’t look at him.
I went upstairs to my room, trying not to care what he was doing down there. I felt him follow me in some distance, as I entered my room, leaving the door open. Yes, I secretly wished he would come in. The next test was history, so I grabbed a book and pretended to read. I couldn’t, of course. Especially not, when Trowa entered the room silently. At least he wasn’t yelling at me again.
My eyes were fixed to the page, but I tried to catch every move he made.
“Mizu Me...” he addressed me softly.
In wiped an awkward hand under my eye, to catch the tear he was not supposed to see.
“I saw how you were suffering,” he said, sitting on the other side of the sofa, “and I regretted having done this to you.” I let the book sink and just listened to that beautiful voice, as he kept on speaking. “I am really sorry to have hurt you like that. I still love you as much as I always have, and being without you was pure torture. If you like Odjo, it’s fine with me. And if you think I am trying to protect you too much, I’ll be less protective in future. I know you can take care of yourself, and if I am overdoing anything, it is because I love you. ... It is strange. Here I am, trying to keep anyone from hurting you, and it is me how hurts you the most, Mizu Me.”
My tears were running openly, but soundless, by then. Such beautiful words, from such a beautiful boy, taking the entire blame on him for something, I had messed up.
“I really don’t know what to do or say now, Quatre. Ai shiteru, as much as I have loved you from the first day I saw you. I never want to over-react in your presence again. I am deeply ashamed to have done that to the one I love, and even more, that I dared to keep it up for so long. I hope you can forgive me for all that. If not now, than maybe later. I’ll leave you all the time you wish... if you’re just going to be alright again.”
“You were so right,” I faltered. “You were gone and Odjo and I were doing the calculations together and... he laid his hands on me, just like that, without asking. I should have trusted you in the first place, Trowa, you know him and me so much better. I know you were just trying to...”
“HE DID WHAT?” Trowa interrupted me furiously.
“Well, he... laid his hands on my hips and ... hugged me... grabbing my rear and my thigh... I was so scared...” I described honestly.
“THAT BASTARD!!! NOBODY LAYS HANDS ON YOU!!!”
“KISAMA! I’LL RIP THE BONES OUT OF HIS BODY,” he yelled, furiously jumping up. “Let him come across to me and he can calculate on my fists! Touching you without permission and scaring my Mizu Me, when he’s all alone... such a hentai! Such a miserable, little prick. I will turn him inside out, after I skinned him, and I’ll beet the shit out of him!”
The sight of Trowa - who just a second ago had told me quietly and thoughtfully, how sorry he was, how much he loved me; the Trowa who had been scared I wouldn’t accept his beautiful apology – it was just too funny. He was standing in the middle of the room, fists clenched as if anybody coming across him would be seriously hurt – while he was making up more and more serious injuries he would inflict upon Odjo. I couldn’t help but burst out giggling and laughing at this display.
“Quatre, what’s the matter?” he asked, mildly disturbed.
“You are being overly protective!” I burst out laughing, making him stand bewildered for a moment. He looked at me... at himself... at me...
“Yeah, and I love it!” I got up and pushed him backwards. As I had intended, he tripped over the edge of my bed, falling backwards onto it, me landing right on top of him, our feet dangling off the edge.
“I missed you so much!” I said, kissing his lips instantly. “This fight was horror.”
He nodded, and looked at me, with the most loving eyes. A look, I haven’t seen on him for long. Not since all the stress in school had started.
“Hn, my thought,” he said, still looking. And I looked back, hungry to see his face close to me, hungry to get lost in these eyes.
“Trowa...” I whispered after a while.
“Protect me!” We both burst out in giggles and he pulled me up, so we were completely on the bed. He silently kissed my chin, my neck, my lips. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it, leaning back, relaxing. He rolled up, half on top of me. Our tongues met, I finally tasted sweetness again. We disengaged. I felt his breath crawling over my skin as he softly brushed his lips over my eyelids and my wet lashes. It tickled nicely, and I purred in joy. My fingers searched for the skin under his school shirt. Still enjoying the softness of his lips on my face, my hand unbuttoned his shirt. I hadn’t only missed his love, his protectiveness and his beauty... I had missed these moments only lovers can have, too. I had missed the moment when I felt how much we meant to each other, and how much trust there was between us...
I’ll leave it here, now, the rest is only for him and me.
I think you can draw your own conclusions from this story. I just have to say, that I was perfectly proven, that fighting with Trowa makes no sense, only hurts and is completely unnecessary. When this fight started, I should have already known that. Yet, sometimes too much stress at hand leaves you no room to relax or start thinking. Never let that happen to you. Take time for yourselves before you regret it, there’s nothing more important than to make sure you yourselves are well. Never, never ever load your stress, frustration and anger onto someone else, because it’s entirely unfair, even if that person does the same to you, and you will definitely regret it. Allow people to help you with that and other things instead. It is easier and much more effective.