Why am I provoking him? Why am I sitting in front of this window again?
He said, he would seriously hurt me, if I keep coming. He said, he can’t bear feeling me anymore, day by day, night by night. He said I would regret it. So why am I here again, staring at him? Why can I not go when he threatens me? He is seriously angry, and still I am tempted to jump on his window sill, as soon as he is asleep. Why am I asking for you to hurt me, fox?
“Hiei!” Kurama appears on the window, his eyes searching the branches of the trees. His anger is palpable, like a strong force threatening to clash his surroundings, and so is his voice, as he calls the name. “HIEI! I told you you would regret it. Stop laying eyes on me! Stop being here!” He leans out of the window, trying to detect, where exactly the youkai is hiding. “I swear to you, if you come down tonight, I’ll will seriosuly get angry.”
His fury over my constant appearances ruffles the trees like a black wind, catches and tells me, how serious he is. Why do I not go, but watch his furious face? Even the fury in these green eyes cannot diminish their beauty. Is that, why I am staying here? I could have used the Jagan to watch him all these nights, but it did not seem enough.
As always, he slamms the window shut, veils it and goes to sleep. I can see shadows move in the light of his room. - All the time, I could have used the Jagan, but I did not want to betray him that much. Everything was okay between us, except for the fact, that he hated when I was sitting on this tree or this window. His fury would spread from every inch of his so much taller body, would grope even the ningens on the street. Kurama seldomly is furious. But I make him. I that, why I am staying?
Every night, I saw the same display, I should have grown tired of it. First, Kurama would yell at me through his window, becoming more and more furious each night. He would strike me with the evil power of a youko and glare with a ningen’s anger. Then, he would change behind his window. Soon, his kasaan would come in, and do me the greatest favor – not knowing it, of course. She is just some stupid ningen. She would open the curtain, Kurama had closed, when he was long asleep, and I could finally settle on my branch and watch. No matter how furious he had been to me, he was always sleeping peacefully.
Later, I would jump down on his window, before the sun would appear again, and I would leave him. There, on the sill, I would crouch and watch him. No matter how furious he gets, he cannot get me here. He’s in another world, dreaming. Tomorrow, he will know I was there again, he will be furious, but he won’t be able to do anything about it.
Why am I doing it again? Why am I sitting on his window again and stare inside his room? Am I waiting for summer, when his kasaan will open the window to let the cool night-air in and give me access to his room? Kurama. You have no idea what you do to me with your fury.
This night is different. I jump onto the window sill and settle, my left leg dangling, my right one put up, so I can loosely hang my arm over it. I see through my own reflection to his bed. There were one or two nights, when I watched Kuwabara and Yusuke. They are shifting in their sleep. But Kurama is still. He doesn’t show bad or good dreams, he doesn’t toss his sheets around, he sleeps deeply and quietly. I wonder, whether he is unprotected and vulnerable in his sleep. Suddenly, his body begins to twitch. I stare. That’s new.
Slowly, he raises in his bed. Yusuke did that once and returned with water. Maybe Kurama needs water. But he does not go to the door. He comes to the window… I don’t feel anything. I remain where I am, even though, he opens it. It is funny, how sleepy he seems. Is he even aware of me?
“I told you,” he says. I don’t reply, but smirk mildly. He is half asleep, definitely. He probably won’t even remember tomorrow, he probably – what is that? Kurama grabs my ankle and pulls! I threaten to fall down, but he catches my arm and pulls me inside, closing the window. And there it is again. Fury. I have trapped myself.
“I told you, not to come,” he repeats. His eyes start to focus. He is awake. He has been the whole time. Why couldn’t I tell? The fury hits me, the fox is really angry. I have asked for it, so I cannot complain.
“Go back to sleep, fox,” I say, and chuckle a little. A recently awoken ningen doesn’t have much strength. He doesn’t stand a chance. Kurama fixes his eyes on me.
“I told you not to come.” He repeats it for the third time now. “It is your bad, if you don’t listen.”
“Go back to sleep, fox.”
“Not this time.”
“I have been awake, feeling you, hearing you jump onto my window sill for several nights now. I have heard you, even before I asked you about it. How you secretly watch me... You make me angry, why can’t you listen?” he snarles. Another wave of fury hits me. Nani? He has been awake all the time? Is that, why he did not move in his sleep? Because he never ever slept? I learn that the fox is very foxy, that the fox can pretend a lot, without being it. Like being asleep… but it is too late now.
“You asked for your punishment. I have been dreading and anticipating this moment,” he states simply, his cold eyes burn into mine. He stands in the middle of the room, confidently, staring at me out of devilish eyes, in a way, I don’t know him. I scramble against the wall. What is that? Am I afraid of Kurama, now?
“It is too late, youkai.”
“I cannot bear your presence every night, I cannot bear to know how your gaze burns into my flesh, I cannot bear knowing you are there, feeling you,” he says coldly. His fury fills the room. I don’t recognize him, it must be the hidden youko-part in him, that displays such evil strength. There is no going back. I asked for it. Kurama approaches me, with that unfamiliar glare. His hate strikes me. It hurts. Do you know you hurt me, Kurama? Is that your punishment? … How can I be in pain? How can he hurt me so effectively, after all I have already gone through without panic? I am stiff.
Kurama grabs me by my robe and yanks me across the room. I do not retaliate, I am too amazed by this change, I am too busy watching those green eyes. If anybody has a chance to kill me, it is him. I remain on the wall of the other side of the room. Will you kill me, Kurama? I am waiting for him to take out a rose, but he doesn’t.
“I can’t bear it!” he yells, a wave of dark youki presses me against the wall, as he says this. His words are like a weapon. I have never heard of such an attack before, nor do I think it is intended. Finally, he pulls the rose. At last, I get up and ready to fight back. You can kill me, Kurama, if anyone can, but I won’t make it easy. The whip cracks over my garments, and they drop to the floor behind me. I am standing shirtless.
“What? Do you think that makes me more vulnerable?” I tease coldly. The next strike flys towards me, but this time, I am prepared. I dodge it and stand triumphant for a moment… then, my belts drop to the floor. Kurama knows me, he knew I would try to dodge the whip. He has gotten me anyway. Kurama, do you really want to kill me in your anger? I stare into the green eyes. The whip disappears into nothing, and I am yet unwounded. Which trick are you going to use on me?
He comes closer, stands before me and looks down. It would be the moment to strike back for me, but I don’t. I cannot read him. I always could, but this time, his cold face is a riddle to me. He reaches out a hand, holds it against the cloth of my pants for a second, and then withdraws. My pants drop to the floor. My eyes widen in shock, in this moment, which passes as if someone had slowed time. I catch a wicked, superior smile, and finally, I guess his intention.
Kurama is going to use me. He will let his youko instincts take over, without mercy. I stare in disbelief. That is my punishment, that is what I asked for? This is, what you are going to do to me? …
He grabs for my arm and yanks me onto the floor. I want to get up and move away, but he already is upon me and pins my body to the ground. My bandaged hand glows dangerously, as I try to pull myself up. Kurama’s fury is stronger, it keeps me on the floor. I feel fear. For the first time in my life, I am scared. For the first time in my life, I dread a fight. Kurama knows the only way to wound me – and all that, for watching him. I don’t want to give in to my fright. I have had a Jagan implanted, why am I afraid of this?
I feel the cloth of his sleeping garments on my back and rear. He is serious. The strong shell of fury and anger surrounds us. I try to move away, but weakened by the situation, I can’t.
“Kurama,” I say, almost whimpering. He is my friend, despite everything, he can’t do this to me. “Do you really want to hurt me like that? Do you hate me that much?” There is a moment of unmoving silence.
“Yes!” he says, in a sardistic way. I can’t see his eyes, in my position, so I cannot tell, how serious this is. I hear, how the cloth of his own pants ruffles against his skin, as he pulls them down. He is serious! He wants to make me hurt forever. He wants to put up a punishment, I will never forget in my life.
“Kurama!” I gasp in fear, in a last attempt to reach the weak heart of the ningen inside of him. But he is all fury, he is all youko. I yell out, as he forces himself into me. He hurts me! Once again, I try to writhe away, but he keeps me down, pinned against the floor. He has done it. Without hesitation, he has done it.
“Why?” I yell.
“You offered yourself.”
He pushes again. Is that true? Is that Kurama in me? Is that the boy I have watched, chatting away with his kasaan, is that the green-eyes red-head who seemed to sleep so peacefully at night? I look back some, and I see the cloth of his garments, the red strands on his shoulders. It is him. It is Kurama. There is no doubt, for I know his looks by now, like nothing else. The pain vanishes, I cannot refuse or contradict in his presence. After all, it is him.
I notice something else… As Kurama starts panting more heavily, the fury cracks and although my concentration is distracted, I feel something. My friend sends out something other than his anger, now that he looses control over his needs. I hardly feel him penetrating me now, I try to grasp it. Like the blue wave of youki it mangles with the air and I try to pick it up. What is it? Passion? Passion for my body? I grasp it more and more, Kurama is getting more and more careless about it. And so I realize, that his fury is nothing else, but one of his pretensions, nothing but a shell, veiling the emotion beneath. What are you hiding, Kurama?
Somehow, I manage to wave the walls of fury away and meet a whole new sensation. I understand. The fox loves me. It is all clear to me, once I learn to hold on to this stream. It doesn’t matter, he is doing anything to hurt me, so it should make me doubt… but his youki cannot lie. How do you manage to rape me, Kurama, when you love me? I wonder. Is your need so strong? … But what am I refusing if he does?
I vaguely become aware of the presence. Kurama is still behind me, Kurama is still trying to hurt me. Now, that I know, he loves me, I don’t mind anymore. It wouldn’t be anything else but what we would do if we were lovers. I ease myself consciously, I feel him, I feel his passion and suck it into me. And suddenly, I feel the physical pleasure, he doesn’t intent to give to me. Suddenly, I forget about all the pain, I forget about watching him but clench my hands into the carpet. If you would want to hurt me now, fox, you would have to stop, but you don’t know this.
The tides have changed. I am the winner. We both gasp and cry out, before he lets go of me and sits back against the wall. I sink to the floor, dressed again. Never have I felt such physical pleasure, never has Kurama tried to even touch me. But in this case, I can feel like a ningen, I can feel the devilish lust, raped or not. As long as it is him…
“You better don’t come back again,” he says darkly.
I scramble and pick myself up. I turn around to face him, displaying the superior smirk, he would have now, if his plan had worked out. “Hn,” I say with a smirk, destroying his expectations at once. I hold out my hand, and to my surprise, he obediantly throws my pants at me, despite the confusion, I have provoked in him. I put them on quickly, giving me the modesty I need, to seriously talk to him and not feel ridiculous.
“Baka. You think you can hurt me?” I stand before him, looking down. He seems disturbed, as if he was one hurt. He doesn’t understand my reaction.
“Will you stay away, now?” he asks, but if he intends it to sound harsh, he fails. His voice sounds more shaken, then I have ever known. I win. He doesn’t know, he will eventually win, too.
“Kisama. If you are furious about me, why do you hurt yourself?” I can see right through him, as it seems, and Kurama notices some of it. His arms rest on his knees. This position is awkward. Coruched like that, he cannot impress me.
“What are you talking about?” he asks. But it is too late now, Kurama. I already saw into your hard, when you got, what you have longed for. I walk over to the window, freely, and open it. He doesn’t stop me, and that reveals more about him, than he knows. He cannot stop me, he might even regret, even though there is no need. I turn around one last time.
“You seem to long for me, but you cannot bear my presence,” I mutter, more asking than stating. I am stoic now, since the situation is under my control. I have more control, than I have over my powers, and it makes me confident. It is a pity for Kurama, but I have my own way to torture him.
“I cannot bear to know you are there, I told you.”
So that is your problem, fox? You cannot bear to know I am there, and not have me? What a longing that must be. Is it my body, or is it me? It’s the only thing I cannot figure out. And so, my fox, you veil yourself in fury. And I had thought it was real, and it had hurt me. I hop onto the window sill and stand there, staring into the night. I don’t turn around anymore.
“Baka. Even I am intelligent enough to not hide my feelings behind untrue emotions. You think I don’t have a reason to stare at your beauty for so long?”
I don’t want to hear his answer. It is the wrong time to make this a good moment, after all. Happiness is misplaced here, so I am not going to provoke it. I leap over the trees. By now he should be on his window, staring into the nightly trees. I am tempted to use the Jagan and watch him, but I don’t. In this case, I hate unreal images. I will see to him tomorrow, when he has become clear about the situation.
I win, Kurama, but you did not loose.