Death Part I
I don’t even know why I am still alive... And I am so thankful I am.
It was in September. The leaves were falling onto the soil, dancing and sending an air of false peacefulness through the world. It was nothing but a normal, lousy Wednesday evening and I was visiting Quatre at his unbelievable mansion.
I was gladly lead in and me, Quatre and Trowa sat down in that enormous living room, watching the seashore through high windows with long, thick curtains. The peacefulness last... We had not much in our mind, we were sipping on our juice, just talking about nothing of importance. Talking about the seashore and about autumn. Then the phone rang. Quatre got up to get it and I leaned back on the sofa, relaxing, pulling my arms behind his neck. Trowa followed Quatre outside, I guess that’s just what lovers do. I’d probably would have followed Heero, too, just that Heero never picks up the phone.
I didn’t even listen to what Quatre was talking about on the phone, just picked somewhere in the back of my head, that he didn’t say much more than “Hai” and “Duo’s here.”, but I didn’t even realize he had said my name. They re-entered the room through the wide open white wings of a high door, Trowa first. As he saw me, he stopped, looking at me. Quatre was standing a little bit beside him not yet completely in the room. I looked at him and saw the unbelievable sad expression on his pale face, he looked at me as if looking at me was what made him almost cry. Trowa’s face was as stoic as usual, but his eyes sparkled in a similar way to Quatre’s.
“Nani?” I asked, sitting up to a more tensed position. Trowa closed his eyes momentarily and held out his arms, as if inviting me to hug him. He didn’t seem to be able to move. Carefully, I got up and came closer, letting myself be invited in that hug as he slowly let held his arms around me. Quatre by then had laid his hand on Trowa’s shoulder.
“Duo,” Trowa said, “Wing Zero has been shot and... Heero has been killed,” I winced, my legs gave away, I wanted to sink down on the floor and cry out. But Trowa held me upright, he didn’t allow me to crouch don on the floor. Was this just a bad joke? My head hurt, my heart beat grew wild
“No!” I sobbed. “Heero can’t die. He never does!” I wasn’t even in control of what I was saying. But Heero dead – the Perfect Soldier killed? No, Heero could self-destruct and didn’t die, why should he die in something a trivial as a simple fight? Why should he get killed in a machine made of Gundanium alloy, being helped by something a strong as the Zero System?
“Heero doesn’t die!” I repeated, but knowing that there was no real reason that he shouldn’t I kept on sobbing, the pain eating my nerves.
Trowa still held me tightly upright, hugging me, caressing my back. They slowly pulled me to the sofa, setting me down. Quatre and Trowa enclosed me in an embrace, Quatre laid his head on my shoulder. I don’t know why this affected me so much, with someone like Heero, I guess you have to expect he will be killed some day, but heck, this boy was... had been ... the love of my life! I pleaded at them to tell me this was not true, but they kept silent. My heart ached, I felt like vomiting and I couldn’t. My tears couldn’t stream fast enough to release me of my pain.
At some point, there were no more tears left. I was dried out, squeezed dry like a sponge. Quatre got up slowly and poured me some water. I gladly took it, drinking a bit. There I was, sitting with the only two persons in my goddamn life who could understand the pain of loosing the love of one’s life. I couldn’t even be mad at them that they still had each other.
“How?” I simply asked, sobbing some more. Trowa ran a hand over my hair. “I only know, Wing Zero blew up under a serious attack. There was nothing left but pieces.”
“T-they didn’t find his body?” I asked, my tear streamed face directed at Trowa. He lowered his eyes and sighed.
“Don’t make yourself false hope, Duo. He survived his self-destruction, but this explosion must have been much worse. There were nothing but pieces left... he has been killed,” he said, rubbing my shoulder. I knew what he wanted to tell me with this, but he couldn’t. Heero had been painfully ripped into pieces with his Gundam. There wasn’t even a corpse left for him... The thought stung me, it pierced right through my heart, sending me into another sobbing attack. Quatre face showed nothing but pure pity for me. “Duo...” he said, hugging me tightly. He couldn’t say anything else.
“Who killed him?” I asked, my eyes narrowing. I needed someone who was guilty! Someone I could revenge myself on, someone I could cause ineffable pain upon, just as he had done on me! My fists clenched as I swallowed the pain.
“No, Duo,” Trowa said, something harsh in the undertone of his voice. He ran a hand over my fists, trying to ease them into relaxation. I was determined to find that bastard, the one who had taken my Heero from me! If I had been any closer to Deathscythe... I jumped out from Quatre’s and Trowa’s embrace, heading for the next door reachable. Trowa was quickly behind me, pressing a strong hand on my back which caused me to topple down on the floor. I immediately tried to get up again, clenching my teeth and growling with anger.
“NO!” I cried, fighting back those damned tears, “No! Let me kill that bastard! Let me be the God of Death and teach him how it hurts!” Trowa pushed at me again, forcing me onto my knees.
“Let me kill him! Let me kill this whole damn universe for taking him!” I yelled, my voice almost toppling over. Quatre and Trowa held my wrist tightly, leaving me unable to get up from sitting on my knees. I struggled, trying to free myself, in blind craziness.
“Duo, I know how it feels,” Quatre said, “you can’t go out there!” He had trouble fighting my hand, but in the end, I didn’t have a chance against those two.
“You know nothing!” I cried, “You still have Trowa!” I didn’t care how insulting I was, but Quatre didn’t respond to that anyway. He knew I was in a fit, he knew I probably didn’t mean it, and I honestly don’t, but I guess in my craziness I was serious about that. And I am sorry now. Trowa put a soft hand on my back, telling me he would push me down as soon as I tried to go back up again. “No!” I cried again and then looked up to the sky through these enormous windows.
“HEERO!” I cried out, my fists clenched, Trowa and Quatre pulling on my arms. I crouched down in a sobbing attack on the carpet, exhausted and weak, repeating his name over and over again as if it could bring him back. But it didn’t. I couldn’t even form a mental picture of him in my mind, I couldn’t imagine his face. Everything was black. Quatre and Trowa sat back a little away from me, leaving em to my sobbing. My hands dug into the carpet, my tears soaked a wet spot in front of me. This damn universe was so unfair. Why someone like Heero, of all persons? Why someone so strong fighting for nothing but piece, for nothing but good intend. Why someone so young, and why the one I loved so dearly and who loved me so dearly?
After a while, Quatre tried another approach. He crawled up next to me and planted a soft kiss on the back of my head. “Duo,” he whispered again, letting his arm crawl under me, to raise my wet face from the ground. “Do you want to sleep some?” he asked, quietly whispering into my ear.
“I don’t know...” I said weakly, really not knowing how anything should go on now. Trowa came and picked me up over his shoulder with Quatre’s help. I was limp, I probably didn’t care anymore. They packed me in Quatre’s bed, which was next, and covered me. I rolled down to the side, hiding my face under my arm and sobbing my heart out. I couldn’t stop anymore. The tears just flowed and the sobs just came from the depth inside of me. Trowa and Quatre sat down close to each other, on the side of the bed I had my face turned to. Quatre held his eyes fixed on the sheets, Trowa looked at me. I could see it from under my sleeve, through tears which blurred my sight. I sobbed, exhaustion crawling over me. They knew why they had put me into bed. I calmed down slowly, finally the pills worked. Quatre had let them slip into my water. They calmed me down and made me drowsy. I felt my eyes closing against my will. Right before I fell asleep, I saw Quatre leaning over into Trowa’s arms... and he quivered in silent sobs.